cynosure

I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and confidence lately. I often hear this critical voice that does not allow me to be myself. I feel very cautious and tense when I am around people because something is holding me back from shining and expressing my true self. My relationships with people do not feel as strong because something is holding me back from growing with them.

This summer I want to dedicate it to truly understanding my self-worth, and not being afraid of myself. I want to allow myself to be silly, to laugh crazily, to be spontaneous, to joke around, and to shine my light without being afraid at the right times.

So, what can I practice to gain the confidence or courage to feel comfortable and gentle being myself, as well as finding the balance between constructive and destructive self-criticism?

Be open and honest with yourself

You have to first be open and honest with yourself before you can be open with others (and only by being open with others can you grow in those relationships, like you said). Slowly and gently bring to attention things you might have tried to reject before about yourself. Feel the courage to face them, and realize they are a part of you, too, even if you might not like those parts– you have to learn to love them.

Learn to love all parts of yourself

Of course, becoming happier, allowing yourself to grow– none of it comes as a cake walk. The reality is there might be some parts of yourself you won’t necessarily like. I used to hate myself– that I binged, that I avoided anything social, that I felt awkward, unattractive, and oftentimes clingy. But as I learned to love myself more, I realized that in loving yourself… you can’t only love the good parts, just like in any relationship you have with anyone (and the relationship you have with yourself is the MOST important one you’ll ever have– it’ll last a lifetime, after all!). You HAVE to learn to love the parts you want to change or just plain dislike.

Why? Because they’re a part of you! Even if you don’t like a certain trait of your own, realize that without it, you wouldn’t be the beautiful, multifaceted, and awesome person you are! (Besides, people who have no faults are absolutely dull and make for boring friends and an unexciting marriage.) People don’t want to see a polished, superperfected version of you– they want to see the REAL you. Who likes fakeness, after all?

Be content with what you want to improve

Recognize that there might be things about yourself you want to change. Instead of feeling bad about them or being self-destructive about it, actually brainstorm ways or goals so that you can improve! If it’s something you don’t think you can change or don’t want to change (an annoying trait of mine, stubbornness, works well with going for– and getting– what I want sometimes! see, every character trait is a double-edged sword… even the best ones might be a disadvantage sometimes!) then be kind to yourself and accept it, or catch yourself when it’s affecting your life and try to change it a little. Try to improve just a little at a time on the areas of yourself you feel need the most change. Forcing yourself to change suddenly and extremely will probably lead to self-sabotage and bouncing back to where you were before!

And always remember your best traits as well! Focus on what makes you shine, and be positive about your personality. A wise old man once told me when I was younger and didn’t really understand this: “True confidence is knowing you aren’t the worst and you aren’t the best, but you are what you are.” Don’t compare yourself to others… it’s like comparing cats and dogs. No one is better or worse than the next person. We’re all just different, and we must love and cherish those differences instead of seeking to be something or someone else. Difference and change make life so interesting!

All in all, as you accept all parts of yourself, you must then learn to love them, too. Who can possibly be there for you and love you for as long as you live other than yourself? Even if you THINK you’re such and such, that’s just a thought, and YOU have the power to change that thought and make it into something positive and constructive! You CAN be content and happy with yourself no matter what. You might feel that you still want to work on some areas of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love yourself for who you are always regardless of what you think you need to improve!

I used to be the opposite of confident

I wasn’t always confident– in fact, the exact opposite. Only through making many changes over the course of my lifetime (or, well, truthfully the last year or so is when I really started to learn to change) have I gotten where I am, and I still have things I want to change! For instance, becoming more patient, hardworking, open, and rising above my fears. The difference between how I treat these things now and in the past is that I used to just sit around lamenting that I had things to work on, hate myself when I couldn’t improve and magically become the person I want to be, and let the negativity or sadness I felt about it overpower my hope and ability to change. Now, I make constructive goals, focus on the positive (“become more hardworking” rather than “stop being such a lazy ass!”), and refuse to beat myself up when I have trouble. If I continue to do something I rationally don’t want to do, I recognize it, accept it, learn from it, and move on.

Taking risks and opening up can be scary, but exhilarating once you actually do it. When you just start, you’ll realize you were perfect in your own way all along. And this type of perfect isn’t manufactured or mundane.

It’s your very own brand of awesome.

And that’s the best kind you can ever have.

I love getting letters from you! (Hint, hint– send me one!) Feel free to tell me what you want to read about or if you’re dealing with something– I’m more than happy to help.

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I happened upon this little notebook in Shanghai one day, and I have to say it was lucky… I’m glad I can have this and carry it around with me, even if most of the time I’ve taken it for granted that the message’s there.

Promise
yourself to be strong that
nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true
Think only of the best
Work only for the best and expect
only the best. Forget the mistakes of
the past and press on the greater
achievements of the future

Speaking of which… another reminder to myself, from February 10th, 2009…

Life is hard. Life is so, so hard sometimes.

You can be on the edge of dying. Not dying physically, necessarily, but in spirit. You could be simply losing your will to live. Your will to stay alive one more second. Your will to wake up. And be conscious when the world keeps on going, when time passes.

Life can be so hard it tears you apart. It makes you fall apart. It rips you up.

But that’s why you keep putting one foot in front of each other. That’s why you learn to get up, even when both your legs are broken or missing or gone and you just. don’t. want. to. go. any. further.

It’s okay to want to give up. And it’s okay to feel like giving up. It’s okay to realize that, whatever you’re doing at this moment that’s making you feel such despair, maybe it’s just not what you need right now. And it’s okay to admit that.

Whatever you feel.. whether it be weak, or simply too tired… it’s okay.

But you ARE enough. And you will ALWAYS be enough. And even if you feel disappointed in yourself.. it’s past. Right now is right now. You can recreate your life starting this very moment.

Remember what she said? Remember what she told you?

No matter what.

Yet, you live on.

Despite anything.

You don’t just stop living.

So don’t hide. Don’t hide from the world. Don’t run away from consciousness.

When you don’t know if you’re about to fall apart or not.. let yourself unravel. Fall for as long as you need to. If you don’t let it pour from your heart, you’ll never be able to let it go.

People can say a million things. Other people can believe in you so much. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t even do so yourself.

If you don’t believe in yourself, you cease to exist. To yourself and to the world. You can’t think you exist, you can’t think you’re living, if you don’t believe.

So believe. And dare. Dare to do something different today. Dare to love yourself. Dare to run outside, no matter the weather, and realize: I’m alive.

Dare to say, I deserve to take care of myself.

And do so accordingly.

*

Funny thing, this part–
Remember what she said? Remember what she told you?
No matter what.
Yet, you live on.
Who is she, you wonder?

Me again… aha.

And what she– er, I– meant was…

No matter what happens, wonderful, terrible… Yet… we live on. We still continue living. Our lives keep on going, keep on moving whether we like it or not. So might as well hitch a ride and relish in the new journey, painful or pleasant.

Keep on loving. Keep on living. Because regardless of whatever happened in the past, life is still happening. You can’t avoid it, but you can choose to press on.

I’m here for you.

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I took this on the train from Los Angeles to San Diego.)

I’ve been writing and writing and writing and I encountered a note to my year-later self in my journal, a few pages before I began to run out of pages completely:

This was where the bookmark was when I first bought this journal on 3.16.09.
Right now I am writing on 3.18.09 in the middle of the night. I know not when
you will read this but I pray it finds you in
good spirits, in a time of your life when
every moment is filled with exquisite
love and simple enjoyment for
simply being alive. Hopefully that
describes every moment, really.
For real. All I have to say
is love yourself, let go,
stay in the present,
breathe, conquer
your fears, move on
from the past,
release yourself
from guilt,
love, pray,
and live.
have a beautiful day, my lovely.

Reminds me of the Never Give Up/Be Strong/Keep Pressing On “toolkit”– uplifting and life-changing quotes, videos, songs, etc.– I compiled when I had sunk down into the deepest emotional abyss I’d ever experienced.

(It actually wasn’t called the Never Give Up toolkit– it didn’t have a name– the title was simply: Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.)

I’ll be posting it here soon, along with several other entries that have been wafting around in my head but haven’t seemed to want to take the leap from mind to memory

(Edit: Here it is! The Never Give Up/Be Strong/Keep Pressing On kit!)

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You are not your weight.

Your weight does not determine your self-worth. YOU do.

You are not your clothing size. You are not the brands you wear. Not a number on a label nor the name on the label.

You are not what anyone else tells you you are.

You are a being capable of great, amazing things.

You are a being that deserves love.

And not just any kind of love, but the most exquisite, most beautiful love.

The kind of love only you can give yourself.

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But that’s so hard to do, with the things you put me through.

Feel this Way by Consequence feat. John Legend

Don’t you feel like that sometimes, about yourself? You desperately want to love yourself, but sometimes what you put yourself through, like holding onto guilt or resentment, not taking care of yourself, being too self-critical– makes it harder.

“Loving myself is all I want to do.”
That’s all you need to do, anyway (love yourself, that is), to be happy– everything else will fall into place eventually.

Now tell that to yourself. Aloud or not. Ten (that’s 10!) times. Every morning. Every hour and minute you need to be reminded: “Loving myself is all I want to do.”

But how do you love yourself, or even learn to love yourself? I know it’s not as easy as just someone telling you to love yourself, but for now, if you believe (with all of your being) in the statement: “I love myself”, you’re already one step forward.

And don’t be afraid to be yourself. Being yourself is one more (HUGE) step towards loving yourself– and that expression of yourself, in its stubbornness to refuse to simply become whatever anyone else tells you to become, is revolutionary in its own right. (Ever wonder why that particular combination of letters comprises “rvxn”.org? But that’s an explanation for another day…)

NEVER be afraid to sing your own song, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. (Blue sky in the sun? It doesn’t even make sense! But I love it anyway because he’s so unafraid to express himself.)

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