cynosure

I find the whole notion of not trusting people in general because your trust has been hurt so much in the past to be so sad. It assumes that just because some people are a certain way, all people might be. It’s prejudice on a species scale– some humans may betray your trust, but that doesn’t mean all humans will.

If you stop trusting others because you were hurt once, you lose. You’re the one who misses out on the full spectrum of interesting people out there.

If you refuse to forgive someone, you’re the one left bitter and hurting.

Complete vulnerability is a great strength. Putting yourself out there, opening up, forgiving others, revealing yourself to the world, letting everyone know the real you instead of an artificially constructed image, seeing the goodness in people after being hurt so many times takes courage, but inevitably transforms you into a stronger person.

You can do it, though. You can defy all those people who take the easy way out and simply stop living, because living means experiencing with feelings and feelings means the possibility of pain. But that pain is so beautiful because it’s a part of you too, and every time you survive that pain your heart grows even mightier.

You can do what some people now find impossible– trust other human beings.

I trust you. I believe in you.

And even if you might hurt me, I’ll forgive you, I’ll learn to love you even more, and I’ll trust in your inherent goodness anyway.

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winter, maybe.

do you ever feel like you don’t know why you’re alive? sometimes that it wouldn’t matter if you were dead or not. a second ago you had passion for everything in existence, but now the flickers have whistled away. apathy is worse than sadness, in my opinion. anesthesia is the real depression, indifference the true disease. wishing you can’t feel pain doesn’t make pain go away, it just makes you numb to all– happiness and joy included.

when I experience a moment like this, sometimes the first thing I think is: I was supposed to be over all of this by now. I was supposed to have “healed” from whatever wispy grey of fog (or pollution?) clouded my heart once upon a time. I’m “supposed” to be happy. but that’s what I forget, that none of us really “should” be anything but ourselves. that the only thing we “should” do is let ourselves be.

when I forget why I’m still here, I force myself to remember: I’m here because of love. for love. to love.

I want to save the world. this bold statement in milder form: I want to help people. but I can’t solve every problem in the world, and though I wish I could sometimes, it just isn’t realistic.

how can I take on this task I’ve committed myself to, when I can be so scared? when I’m sometimes too afraid to call a loved one I haven’t spoken to in weeks, then forget to take responsibility when I wonder why we’ve drifted apart? when I want to speak to random people I see every day or once in a lifetime, but out of fear, chicken out and don’t?

but I have plans. I will break out. I will do what terrifies me. I am so grounded in this quicksand of comfort right now. and comfort is dangerous; it promises, of course, that we will stay safe. that it will be less likely for us to get hurt.

it also promises that we will stay in the same place for as long as we stay within the small cage we’ve built for ourselves. sure, we have some minimal room to walk around, but we’ve fenced ourselves in. it promises that it will be much more difficult to change, change for the better.

I will (re)learn how to talk to people, in real life. I will put myself in situations where I am not guaranteed immediate acceptance and lack of challenge, spoon-fed to me from people with whom I’m already quite familiar. I want to meet new people and love them in new ways.

we can discover kindred spirits, kind souls, lovers, family in those individuals least expected, each curious face we pass by as we go through our day. after all, weren’t our best friends strangers as well, once upon a time?

…in reality, we were never strangers. in our cores, we are not strangers at all– we are each a part of the bigger something that encompasses everything. we are individuals, but we are not separate. we might not always get along, but we are not as different as we think.

let’s stop fighting and hurting each other because we don’t always understand. embrace our differences and discover our similarities. accept and love ourselves and each other. talk to the person we see eating alone. recycle and respect the earth, because we all need this space to survive. step out of our usual circle and befriend unusually. give and love freely. open our hearts, our minds.

let’s stretch ourselves.

there are no limits.

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