cynosure

Sunny blessed afternoons. I read 10 books in April. I’m now ahead for reading a book a week (I was behind the first three months!). I’m now striving for at least 100 books this year.

I still wish I could clone myself so I could actually be in my own photos sometimes, but benches and tables work as good stand-ins once in a while

I bought myself a huge tiramisu cake for my own birthday a week ago. The girl at the bakery asked, “Is it for someone’s birthday?” I nodded yes and she let me pick out a candle and a “Happy Birthday” sign. I still have yet to eat it (or make a birthday wish and blow out the candle!). I wonder when I will.

Likewise, two mango cakes for a half-birthday & an anniversary.

Friday a week ago was fantastic.

Speaking of desserts, which I simply adore, I’m excitedly beginning to create raw vegan desserts. Since cupcakes are tempting (and aesthetically pleasing, which is probably why I like them so much) I made a few yesterday with Oliver. (We also finally did a papercraft project together that we’ve been meaning to do since November.) Making food is fun and exciting.. to me, at least. If you’re asking, how could a cupcake be raw? then the answer is: It’s made of fruits and nuts, coconut butter, and natural unprocessed sweeteners like agave (or honey, which is “beegan”).

Yummy raw vegan chocolate cupcakes with frosting! (The frosting was almost too rich and sweet for me! but maybe because I tasted it too much while I was making it…)

I’ve been meaning to write about raw veganism (and all sorts of healthy delicious food in general) since I first started eating more raw food, and many yummy food writings are coming soon!

I’ve also been vegetarian for a couple of weeks and it’s been both surprisingly and unsurprisingly easy for me. My trial period was 30 days (I haven’t slept past noon in over a month, either! hurrah!) but I think I might transition entirely (or at least to pescetarianism). On some days I’m completely raw vegan, on others, I’m just vegetarian… I’m flexible and I like it that way (plus, I rebel against restrictions, self-imposed or not– restricting and depriving is for the weak!).

Either way, I find myself not missing dead animal flesh at all. After I’m done with my 30 days, I’ll be sure to share my journey, considering my parents used to call me a tiger for my carnivorous tendencies and wonder how a horse (I was born in the year of) that was supposed to eat grass became such a voracious meat-eater. The funny thing is that I (along with a few other vegetarians, vegans, or even raw vegans) used to be one of those people that’d say “I’d never be able to be a vegetarian.” But it’s a process, and it’s gradual. Whew! I’d better not get carried away before this becomes a ramble about vegetarianism.

I hope you had a good weekend, and may you have a good week.

photo by Oliver

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You are not your weight.

Your weight does not determine your self-worth. YOU do.

You are not your clothing size. You are not the brands you wear. Not a number on a label nor the name on the label.

You are not what anyone else tells you you are.

You are a being capable of great, amazing things.

You are a being that deserves love.

And not just any kind of love, but the most exquisite, most beautiful love.

The kind of love only you can give yourself.

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I woke up yesterday morning, I had to be somewhere in half an hour, and instead of rushing as I would have otherwise, I just stopped. I stopped and sat, and something stirred within my chest and I started to cry.

Because I woke up with this song (from a Shaman King clip) in my head, and the same feelings that I had while writing the very first entry of this journal came back. Once again, upon waking.

Loneliness, loneliness, loneliness.

Loneliness, this deep sadness after the ending of almost every story I love because each of those stories (Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, Shaman King…) is about lonely people. Lonely people who find each other and maybe eventually leave each other. Lonely people who’ve been alone their whole lives and finally find friends. I love each character, empathize with them, relate to their solitary and lonely life. I feel as if I’m one of them, too– another lonely person who just wants friends, and finds them somehow in this other world. As if every character were truly my friend, the kind of friend and companion I’ve yet to encounter in real life. But at the end of the story, when the unreal world disappears, I’m the one alone. Of course… it’s only a “story”.

Ryu, the character from Shaman King who sings that song, spends his whole life searching for companions, for his “best place”– the place that he belongs. After he meets Yoh, he’s found it. He’s found his best place– through companionship, through friendship.

When I was thirteen I told everyone my biggest fear was being alone. But I was wrong: I’m actually okay with being alone. In fact, I love solitude, relish in it– perhaps even more so than most people. But loneliness is a completely separate being from solitude.

We can all be in the middle of, not just a crowd but people we know, even love and care about, and still feel lonely.

I know I am blessed; I am so thankful. There are amazing people in my life and I know it. And I’ve been fortunate enough to find and be with a great partner, too.

But I still yearn for that sense of companionship. It’s not even that I need it… I’m content with what I have. I really am.

But because of that, I understand lonely people. Because even though I’m not alone– none of us are; we are all interconnected, interdependent– I feel lonely. All the time.

(And I realize I don’t talk much about weakness– especially not my weakness. I try not to show it, to admit it. I’ve been eating out of stress lately and I didn’t even want to admit I was stressed… and still don’t. I don’t feel that stressed. But I do feel … a little tense, a little nervous… I’m aware that I’m using food to comfort and medicate myself, and I’ve made the choice to do so. I still refuse to be unconscious.)

Not everyone understands why I want to love everyone in the world. Truly love each individual being. I might not like them, even. But I want to love them, to wish them happiness, to help them out in times of need. I want to love him and her and you.

In fact, I’ve had the epiphany lately that not many people understand why I would want to love every being on earth at all.

“Maybe… the people who do bad things… maybe, they’re just lonely.” Said the ghost of a murdered girl at the end of Tokyo Babylon.

And I believe it. God, do I believe it.

Nobody is bad. Nobody is unworthy of love. “The people who deserve love least… need it the most.” (Heart Warmers)

Think about it.

I truly believe there is no such thing in this world as a “bad person”.

There is no good or bad. In the end: “The only true justice is love.” (Quoth Marco from Shaman King.)

That’s why I love Shaman King so much. It’s a story of a group of loving and naive shamans– who are really just kids– trying to defeat a man who, over the course of a whole millenium, spends three lives (two reincarnated) murdering and trying to exterminate the world of all humans. He hurts and kills so many, robs countless families of their fathers and mothers… yet in the end, it’s only because he is the one lonely and utterly alone, and it was humans who killed the only loved one he had.

Even those who do bad things have their reasons, their broken hearts. Their anger, their sadness. Their loneliness that may have no end to its depths.

Nothing can excuse their actions, but what if.

If we stopped to be more understanding and loving towards those we are quick to label “bad people” instead of creating more hatred… how might our world change?

If we forgave those who did us wrong, and set them and ourselves free from anguish, from the lingering pain of bitterness and resentment… imagine how different our lives would be. How free we would be. If we forgave ourselves.

If we realized that every rude and inconsiderate person we come across might be suffering from something terrible in their lives. If every customer that was impatient and annoying was in a hurry to go to the hospital for their loved one. (I learned this from customer service training at my second job as a hardware store cashier. Thanks, hardware store, for inculcating me with a lifetime start towards customer/client/human satisfaction.)

If we paused and tried to understand people who hurt us instead of reaching for pettiness and revenge.

If we stopped to consider that lashing back at and trying to hurt someone– who might be acting out of pain to begin with– just creates more animosity, hate breeding hate.

Forgiveness heals. Love always heals.

That’s why I try to love, trust, and forgive as many people as my heart can take. I’m human… but I can at least try my best.

I’m not telling you you should, too.

But the world, each individual in it– can always use a little bit more understanding. So turn the other cheek… at least sometimes. Reach out to the bully who’s acting out once in a while.

Behind every horrendous action lies a human who, too, has a heart.

Remember that.

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I didn’t write this post for… me.

It was for you, to show you that every damn inch of you deserves love from yourself, even if “society”, the media, your co-worker or friend or parent or sibling or cousin or even partner tells you otherwise. Don’t believe them.

This post is all about you.

So, tell me:

—

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For anyone who’s ever loved anyone in any way… this is for you.

The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love
by don Miguel Ruiz (from The Mastery of Love)

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