cynosure

A certain someone caused the accidental sudden shutoff of my computer twice recently, leading me to lose much of what I was working on.

And I didn’t get mad. I easily forgave him.

Which was surprising, even to me. In the past, if someone (or a blackout) caused me to lose my work, I’d be ranting for hours. Maybe even days.

I’ve grown up a little, and no longer throw myself into a deadly rage at actions of a loved one that, in reality, are insignificant– and, accidental or not, unintentional. I found absolutely no point in getting mad, starting a fight, or yelling at said loved one for unplugging the wrong cord. It would not have changed anything; it would not have brought my work back.

Aside from releasing myself from the monster of anger and wrath, losing what I’d been working on reminded me of last summer, when my external hard drive crashed. Back then, I actually put most of my files on the external instead of my main computer, including some 30 or 40 thousand of the photos I’d taken in my entire (digital photography) life. Any song, poem, or image (I once spent days saving images of fandoms I liked!) I collected over 8 years. And all my writing– which was the hardest for me to lose, since I didn’t post most of it anywhere.

Losing all that (digital) evidence of memories, of the past, of my life, was hard. I was extremely depressed for a week or so. I felt like everything was crashing down at me at once– the absence of my loved ones that July, my complete isolation from others, the loss of what seemed like everything (I used to say that in case of a fire, I’d save my computer first!) to me.

And then I realized I simply had to accept it. Crying about it wasn’t going to make anything come back. Feeling terrible wasn’t going to change anything. I had lost something important– fine. I had to accept it as something that happened, and let go.

And I moved on.

Since then, I’ve learned not to get attached to anything. Impermanence is unavoidable, and everything is mortal. I appreciate what I have now, be it a relationship, a squabble with family, food to eat, the kindness of a stranger, even love. But I know none of this may stay through the night, and that makes me even more grateful and happy for this life.

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