cynosure

When I feel both profoundly uncomfortable and scared to publish something… that’s when I know I’ve succeeded.

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I know I said I’d be writing about weight this time, but something else came up and I wanted to share with you first.

For the past couple of months I’ve been dissatisfied with myself and where I am, in the world, in my journey. Once upon a time my only dream in life was to “be happy”– check. But after that, what else could I do, what else was there to strive for?

I feel that admitting I’m in school is like a confession. Maybe because I don’t particularly want to be.

Last quarter was the first quarter of school in my life that I actually gave more than the absolute bare minimum of effort to my studies. Assiduous was a word of the day the first week of school, and I decided it would be my word for three months.

And I succeeded. And I felt accomplished, if only temporarily. And I realized I didn’t really learn anything more from doing any more.

I saw college as the final panacea to my childhood-long weariness with education. Surely it would grant me more freedom, surely I would finally learn about things that I cared about.

But I’ve never really felt like I’m actually learning something. All I’ve learnt from my classes– even in a less “conventional” major that won’t easily land me a high-paying “job”– is that when people talk about the “modern” era, they don’t mean the present.

Woo-freakin’-hoo.

I don’t mean to knock education down, and I know many of my friends and classmates will be some of the greatest lawyers, doctors, researchers, optometrists, pharmacists, businessmen, and engineers of all time (of all time).

But me?

I’m still figuring it out. I know what I’m fiercely passionate about, what I’m good at, what will (I hope) benefit you and you and you. I just need to live a little (or a lot) more and find the right way to make it work.

As long as I know I won’t ever have to say, “How I wish I had done this or that…” I know I’ll be fine.

With that said, last night led to some frightening new beginnings:

My new photography site:
Sui-Solitaire.com
(& Other Photography)

If you have ever enjoyed any of my photography, please follow my new photography blog and support me in making my own dreams come true.

After all, I’m the only one who can.

Thank you always.

(I’ll be periodically posting links when I update Sui-Solitaire.com, but never fear– my personal photography will still, for the most part, be posted here.)

This is just one fraction. There’s always more to come, more to explore. Next victim, after photography, is writing

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I don’t want to idolize anyone. I’m not going to follow in anyone else’s footsteps.

I’m just going to be me.

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