cynosure

I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and confidence lately. I often hear this critical voice that does not allow me to be myself. I feel very cautious and tense when I am around people because something is holding me back from shining and expressing my true self. My relationships with people do not feel as strong because something is holding me back from growing with them.

This summer I want to dedicate it to truly understanding my self-worth, and not being afraid of myself. I want to allow myself to be silly, to laugh crazily, to be spontaneous, to joke around, and to shine my light without being afraid at the right times.

So, what can I practice to gain the confidence or courage to feel comfortable and gentle being myself, as well as finding the balance between constructive and destructive self-criticism?

Be open and honest with yourself

You have to first be open and honest with yourself before you can be open with others (and only by being open with others can you grow in those relationships, like you said). Slowly and gently bring to attention things you might have tried to reject before about yourself. Feel the courage to face them, and realize they are a part of you, too, even if you might not like those parts– you have to learn to love them.

Learn to love all parts of yourself

Of course, becoming happier, allowing yourself to grow– none of it comes as a cake walk. The reality is there might be some parts of yourself you won’t necessarily like. I used to hate myself– that I binged, that I avoided anything social, that I felt awkward, unattractive, and oftentimes clingy. But as I learned to love myself more, I realized that in loving yourself… you can’t only love the good parts, just like in any relationship you have with anyone (and the relationship you have with yourself is the MOST important one you’ll ever have– it’ll last a lifetime, after all!). You HAVE to learn to love the parts you want to change or just plain dislike.

Why? Because they’re a part of you! Even if you don’t like a certain trait of your own, realize that without it, you wouldn’t be the beautiful, multifaceted, and awesome person you are! (Besides, people who have no faults are absolutely dull and make for boring friends and an unexciting marriage.) People don’t want to see a polished, superperfected version of you– they want to see the REAL you. Who likes fakeness, after all?

Be content with what you want to improve

Recognize that there might be things about yourself you want to change. Instead of feeling bad about them or being self-destructive about it, actually brainstorm ways or goals so that you can improve! If it’s something you don’t think you can change or don’t want to change (an annoying trait of mine, stubbornness, works well with going for– and getting– what I want sometimes! see, every character trait is a double-edged sword… even the best ones might be a disadvantage sometimes!) then be kind to yourself and accept it, or catch yourself when it’s affecting your life and try to change it a little. Try to improve just a little at a time on the areas of yourself you feel need the most change. Forcing yourself to change suddenly and extremely will probably lead to self-sabotage and bouncing back to where you were before!

And always remember your best traits as well! Focus on what makes you shine, and be positive about your personality. A wise old man once told me when I was younger and didn’t really understand this: “True confidence is knowing you aren’t the worst and you aren’t the best, but you are what you are.” Don’t compare yourself to others… it’s like comparing cats and dogs. No one is better or worse than the next person. We’re all just different, and we must love and cherish those differences instead of seeking to be something or someone else. Difference and change make life so interesting!

All in all, as you accept all parts of yourself, you must then learn to love them, too. Who can possibly be there for you and love you for as long as you live other than yourself? Even if you THINK you’re such and such, that’s just a thought, and YOU have the power to change that thought and make it into something positive and constructive! You CAN be content and happy with yourself no matter what. You might feel that you still want to work on some areas of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love yourself for who you are always regardless of what you think you need to improve!

I used to be the opposite of confident

I wasn’t always confident– in fact, the exact opposite. Only through making many changes over the course of my lifetime (or, well, truthfully the last year or so is when I really started to learn to change) have I gotten where I am, and I still have things I want to change! For instance, becoming more patient, hardworking, open, and rising above my fears. The difference between how I treat these things now and in the past is that I used to just sit around lamenting that I had things to work on, hate myself when I couldn’t improve and magically become the person I want to be, and let the negativity or sadness I felt about it overpower my hope and ability to change. Now, I make constructive goals, focus on the positive (“become more hardworking” rather than “stop being such a lazy ass!”), and refuse to beat myself up when I have trouble. If I continue to do something I rationally don’t want to do, I recognize it, accept it, learn from it, and move on.

Taking risks and opening up can be scary, but exhilarating once you actually do it. When you just start, you’ll realize you were perfect in your own way all along. And this type of perfect isn’t manufactured or mundane.

It’s your very own brand of awesome.

And that’s the best kind you can ever have.

I love getting letters from you! (Hint, hint– send me one!) Feel free to tell me what you want to read about or if you’re dealing with something– I’m more than happy to help.

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