“This year has rung me through the ringer,”

I said somewhat dejectedly the other day.

And in a way, it really has.

Illness that sparked body changes that catapulted me into–

Relapse– that nobody suspected or detected for half a year, least of all me.

Recovering from that relapse, and in the middle of it, dealing with the aftermath of a relationship of over two years (still dealing with it, I am now).

Binging. A lot.

And through that binging, starting to wake up a little.

Disappointments because of expectations.

Dealing with finding myself alone, over and over again.

The thing is, a lot of this year has been about denial, and in the past few months, waking up from that denial.

Denial that came from thinking that because I’ve gotten to a point where I truly love and respect myself, that I’m always going to feel happy.

Denial that I could ever be experiencing the same problems I did once upon a time– wasn’t I past all of that already?

Denial, denial, denial.

So this is what fall, and now winter, has been: Waking up. Shaking myself awake from denial. Humbling myself, over and over again. Letting go, letting go, letting go.

That denial– thinking I had it all together (when I never did and never will, and that’s okay because dammit I’m human)– was essentially me trying to cover up the fact that I feel sad sometimes.

So I’ve been feeling sad, letting myself feel sad as best as I can. It’s been liberating. It’s been cathartic. I’ve cried more in the past two months than I did in the past three years. I’ve found that I am human and imperfect in the very best of ways.

I thought loving myself– some sort of destination, not a journey– meant that I wouldn’t be sad anymore.

I thought not being happy meant, then, that there was a problem with ME. With how I was doing things.

So when I wasn’t happy, I’d feel bad about it.

I’d feel bad about not being happy.

I woke up today, because I’m in Montreal and I’ve been sleeping unusually (almost worrisomely) much, and I’ve had vivid dreams about wild things–

And I decided to be happy again.

I haven’t written much about happiness or positive living lately, because I haven’t been living it. A friend I’ve gotten to know recently told me that I only ever seem happy for short periods of time, and then I get down again.

But I’m a happy person, I thought desperately.

Aren’t I?

Here’s the thing I’m balancing right now:

Feeling my feelings, my true-blue(-sometimes-sunny!) feelings, and not pushing them away, stuffing them down, or denying their existence.

And realizing that despite all of this, despite the fact that I’ve realized again that I’m human and therefore I get sad sometimes just like everyone else– not to wallow, dammit!

To remember that happiness is a practice, and that yes, when I am sad, I will let myself feel sad.

But when I don’t have to be sad– when there’s nothing for me to be sad about– to remember the exuberance, the positivity, and the joy that I want to embody.

And not to dwell.

And not to wallow.

To, on a day like this, wake up and instead of putting stones of sorrow on my own chest, realize that I’m here, and I’m with people I love, and I have the whole world ahead of me.

And to be grateful for that. To appreciate what I have.

That’s what my definition of happiness is.

Attachments are the unhappiness, so let them go.

Then, appreciate this moment. The possibility of joy. The wonder.

That’s the thing I forgot.

It’s important to let myself feel sad when I feel sad.

But when I’m not sad, I’m going to practice happiness, I’m going to appreciate what I have, I’m going to find something I love about this moment, dammit!

And I’m going to laugh and look silly while I’m doing it, because that’s the best way there is :)

P.S. Love, You registration opens today for Winter 2012! Start your year off with the best practice you can do for yourself– self-love, of course! Click here to read more.

read more:

1. “I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.”
2. why I let go of having expectations
3. practicing a positive attitude