cynosure

A manifesto.

We don’t have to follow in our mother and father’s footsteps.
We don’t have to treat our children the same way we were raised.
We don’t have to teach them how to fear, how to worry, how to dislike themselves, how to forget how to dream and play and imagine and live in the moment.

We don’t have to abuse ourselves, everyone we encounter, or the planet that provides us with a home.

We don’t have to believe that talent or skills or fulfillment or contentment lie outside of us in fancy equipment or expensive gadgets.
We don’t have to believe that happiness lies within the accumulation of material stuff. Or anything external at all.

We don’t have to follow the rules that someone else wrote out years ago, expecting us to obey without question.
We don’t have to listen to the shoulds or should nots.
We don’t have to live up to anyone else’s standards.

We don’t have to mistreat the earth, pollute the sea with plastic, waste water, or waste our money.

We don’t have to hate ourselves, feel depressed or guilty, not take care of ourselves, feel terrible when things don’t go our way, punish ourselves, let the external dictate our emotions, think negative thoughts.
We don’t have to believe we’re weak, give up when things get tough, lose hope in life when it’s just trying to teach us something.
We don’t have to believe we can’t be happy just loving and being ourselves.

We don’t have to judge others before we even get to know them, hate others because they’re not like us, hold grudges, blame others for our circumstances.
We don’t have to believe that are either “good” or “bad”, or that “evil people” exist at all.
We don’t have to put ourselves in neat little boxes, give ourselves labels of what we are and what we aren’t, pigeonhole everyone else who we think is “different”, and distance “us” from “them”.
We don’t have to believe that there even is a “them” separate from “us” to begin with.

We don’t have to believe we’re not beautiful just because we have short legs, long legs, no butt, big butt, flabby arms, strong arms, short fingers, long necks, big ears, bushy eyebrows, no eyebrows, big feet, thick feet, wide feet, small hands, short hair, long hair, frizzy hair, straight hair, nappy hair, little hair, no hair, stretchmarks and cellulite.
We don’t have to believe we’re not beautiful because the movies and the magazines and the media tell us a terrible untruth.

We don’t have to believe we’re just a number on a scale, a shirt, or a driver’s license. We don’t have to define ourselves by the brands we wear, the color of our hair, or anything outside of our souls.

We don’t have to believe we’re not smart just because they told us we weren’t, because we don’t speak ten languages, didn’t do well on the SAT, don’t get straight As, never went to college, didn’t make the honor roll, completely tanked a class or test or two or three, refused to accept that a dogmatic professor was absolutely right, didn’t graduate middle school, would rather chase our dreams than sit at a desk.

We don’t have to deny our natural selves.
We don’t have to hold back our hunger, our laughter, our flatulence. Our sweat, our scent, our scars. Our sexiness, our sexuality, our sex drive. Our menstruation, our erections, our wet dreams, our fun dreams, our tears.

We don’t have to eat mindlessly just because advertisements and marketing aimed to make us unhealthy say so.
We don’t have to use self-harming addictions to numb ourselves or escape from our lives.

We don’t have to be ashamed of our unshaved legs, unperfumed armpits, unpainted fingernails, untrimmed toenails, unstyled hair, unpainted faces.

We don’t have to hide our true beauty.
We don’t have to hide who we are.
We don’t have to wear the clothes, have the body, fit the size, look like the actor or the model.

We don’t have to be scared anymore. Of flying, of being wonderful, of being ourselves, of talking to new and exciting people, of going for what you thought impossible, of asking that cute sweetie out, of rejection, of acceptance, of trusting ourselves and others, of letting go, of healing, of moving on, of loving and living limitlessly.

We don’t have to listen to our brother, sister, mother, father, best friend, stranger, lover, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, teacher, mentor, therapist, cousin, who tells us we’re not good enough– no matter how much we love them.
We don’t have to believe a bar of “good enough” even exists.

We don’t have to suppress, deny, or otherwise squelch our awesomeness.

We don’t have to pretend anymore. Not for a single second longer.

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If you believe in scarcity, your life will be scarce.

If you believe other people are out to get you, they are out to get you.

If you don’t believe in your own inner beauty, how do you expect anyone else to see it?

Similarly…

If you believe you are blessed, your life will be full of blessings.

If you believe in abundance, your life will be abundant.

If you believe in miracles, your life will be miraculous.

You get the idea.

Take a moment right now to consider your own beliefs about yourself and your life today, and how they affect the way you feel, the way you live.

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Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient.
Aristotle

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
Ramona L. Anderson

If you don’t like someone, or if someone betrays you, you can walk away. You can stop being his/her friend.

But if you don’t even love yourself, you have nowhere to go.

This inescapable truth came crashing down on me when, for the first six months after I’d first moved 500 miles away to Southern California, I was absolutely miserable. I had no close friends, no family, no one to depend on. I felt like nobody cared about me, and that if I simply disappeared, nobody would even notice. When I woke up in the morning, I’d start crying before I even opened my eyes because I felt so alone. If only I had just one great friend that would be there for me, I’d be okay, I thought.

And then I realized I had to be that friend for myself.

And that’s when I started changing myself, little by little (and read a book or two that helped me along the way– look out for a post soon on a few of the books most influential to my happiness and self-development!)– and amazingly, I went from self-hating, depressed for as long as I could remember, self-destructive, insecure, and almost always sad to unconditionally self-loving and happy. (Of course, it took a LOT of effort, but I got there, and I’m still learning to love myself even more every day!)

And that very transformation is why this site even exists… to be there with you as you travel along this path of happiness and self-love.

The love of your friends and family is irreplaceable and valuable, but when you find yourself without that support, what will you do? Just give up? Or realize by taking care of yourself and loving yourself, you can be happy (and have the confidence to make new friends!) even if you’re alone?

And if you want to be in a successful and loving relationship… how can you expect your partner to love you at all, if even you find yourself unlovable?

Do you really need any more reasons to love yourself more, starting right now?

1. Let yourself be completely alone.

• Feel what it’s like to be truly alone with yourself.
• Resist the urge to escape and find company, to leave yourself.
• Stay with yourself in the present, and be curious with yourself. Notice how the air feels against your skin. Try to feel the presence of your body. You are alive. Isn’t it amazing?
• Forgive yourself for anything you’ve blamed yourself for in the past, and feel free without the burden of what no longer exists (the past). Tell yourself that you forgive yourself.
• Breathe. Slowly. Listen to your breath. Let it go, and with it, any negative feelings.
• Whisper to yourself, “I am awesome. I am beautiful. I love myself.” Or scream it from the rooftops. That works, too.
• Don’t just be accepting; be open and unconditionally loving towards yourself.
• Love your faults (click here for constructive ways to address them) and honor your strengths.
• Get to know yourself. Journal or draw about yourself, what makes you happy, and what makes you so great, so spectacular. Pay attention to yourself.
• Trust yourself. Who else can you trust better than yourself? You’re the only one who will always be there for you. You’re the only one you’ll always have. If it’s difficult, take time every day to trust yourself a little bit more.
• Keep a positive attitude, look on the bright side, and think positively. When you feel yourself thinking negatively, don’t try to push it away forcefully; just be aware, and let it come and go. Focus on the positive aspect of situations.
• Smile. Smile at your reflection and say hello. Smile at the world.

2. Make a list of what you would do for the person you love most, and then do those things for yourself. Alone.

• Take yourself on a date. Go to the amusement park, go to a museum, and treat yourself as the loveliest, best date you’ve ever had.
• Treat yourself to a lovely meal. Go out alone to eat at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Cook yourself a feast. Eat exactly what you want to eat, no matter how expensive it is (save up for this treat if you want). Be present for the meal. Chew slowly and enjoy every bit of the treat for yourself.
• Go to the movie theater and watch a movie (in a genre that you love) by yourself. Yes, by yourself. (I did this for the premiere of Ghost Town and it was awesome being able to laugh and cry as much as I wanted!)
• Take a long walk with yourself. Go to the park and look at all the creatures that live together in harmony. They don’t reject you or expect anything out of you. Or if you don’t like nature, take a stroll around the city alone, enjoying the sights and sounds.
• Give yourself a beautiful present. Spend time making it special. You deserve it. (This is not an excuse to ignore your problems with retail therapy or by buying stuff. Create something spectacular and unique for yourself. On the other hand, if you never buy yourself anything, allow yourself to actually buy something you want for once.)
• Write yourself a letter on beautiful stationery. Tell yourself why you love yourself, why you’re great. Keep the letter for times good and bad.

3. Take care of yourself– your body and your health.

• Your body is a temple. Treat it like one. Evaluate what you choose to put into your temple. Does the food you eat nourish you, or does it make you feel like utter crap, like you have to have caffeine every 3 hours (or seconds)?
• Don’t make your eating decisions based on what any diet book, magazine, or uninformed individual tells you. Choose foods that YOU love that make YOU feel good and give you the energy to have a great day. If this requires you to stop eating overprocessed junk food and start eating real, whole foods, so be it. Your body won’t just thank you later– your body will start thanking you right now.
• At the same time, eat your cake, too– never deprive yourself. Simply consider making a dessert yourself instead of getting it from a fast food restaurant (or even many grocery stores– they usually have lists of artificial ingredients a mile long!). Make your own snacks.
• Allow yourself to feel the parts of your body that you’ve rejected in the past. Touch them with love and tenderness and gentleness. Tell each of them how much you love them. For instance, if it’s your legs, say, “Thank you for even existing, so that I may walk and run and dance and travel and experience the world.”
• Cancel subscriptions to magazines that make you feel like you are not good enough. Take the existing ones you own and spend a day tearing them apart if you’d like, and then recycling them. Throw out your diet books… into the recycling bin.
• Get enough sleep. Turn off the computer or TV an hour before your bedtime, wind down, take a long bubble bath, and make sure you get enough rest so you’ll feel good throughout the next day.
• Find a way to move your body (aka the dreaded “e” word) that you LOVE! If you don’t like the gym, don’t go to the gym. (If you do like the gym, keep on going!) Go on walks with friends, play tennis or basketball or any other sport with your family, go jogging with your dog!
• Be conscious and aware… if you have any self-destructive behaviors (drinking/eating/smoking/etc. too much), don’t beat yourself up about them, but realize that you are making a choice to do something that might lead you to feel bad (physically or otherwise), and that you deserve much, much better than that.

4. Make YOU a priority.

• Relax. Get a massage, go to the spa, take a bath. Spend at least one day (preferably per week) doing only what YOU want to do– no work, no thinking about what other people want you to do for them. Read a book or watch a movie.
• Or simply, do nothing. Just sit or lie down. Zone out. Give yourself time and space not to have to do anything, even if it’s just five minutes.
• Say some affirmations every day, if you want.
• Respect yourself. Only settle for the absolute best, because that’s the bare minimum you deserve. Accept nothing less.
• Refuse to allow anyone to treat you in any way that you wouldn’t treat your closest friend.
• If you need to, cut people out of your life (or wean them off slowly) if they are anything less than respectful or loving towards you– even if you can’t imagine life without them because you’ve been friends for so long, or even if they’re family (if you can’t imagine doing that in the case of family, then only communicate when absolutely necessary). You are worth SO MUCH MORE than that.
• Learn to say NO. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you– you are strong and powerful, and YOU control YOUR life. Don’t do anything someone else wants you to do just because they say you should. Don’t let others guilt you, either– refuse to put up with their crap.
• Be kind to yourself when you falter. Love the fact that you aren’t perfect. It makes you (and your life) more interesting, after all! Forgive yourself.
• Be kind to others. It’ll make YOU feel good, too!
• Do what YOU love. If you don’t know what makes your heart flutter and your soul smile, take time for yourself to find out. Make it a priority for yourself to have time to do this activity and make yourself happy.
• Write notes to yourself filled with self-love and inspiration, and post them in random places. Post them in places you always see– on your desk, on your front door, on the bathroom mirror, on the fridge– and even in places that’ll surprise you later on when you find them again.
• You are a being filled to the brim with love and beauty, and you were born to love yourself. Act accordingly.

5. Stop waiting to love yourself.

“I’ll start trying to like myself when I… get a new job, eat like a rabbit, look like a plastic mannequin, find the perfect partner to love me so I won’t have to love myself…”

No.

Love yourself NOW.

The only time you have to be alive and THRIVING is RIGHT NOW.

And you’re wasting your time if you’re waiting for any moment in the future, because chances are you might not even get to that moment if you don’t LOVE YOURSELF NOW.

P.S. This post has been a very long time coming; the ideas have been brewing in my mind for literally ages! It’s a culmination of a little bit of everything I’ve wanted to write about loving yourself, and there’s definitely more to come, though I tried packing as much as humanly possible into this post. You will get the best results if you do everything listed here, no matter how weird (or new) it might feel. Or uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is (usually) good. It means you’re getting somewhere.

Let it be known that I have done and/or still do everything on this list, so if you feel a little ridiculous doing some of them, worry naught for a fearless warrior has already paved the way! Keep on loving yourself and being wonderful! ♥

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I’ve been struggling with my self-esteem and confidence lately. I often hear this critical voice that does not allow me to be myself. I feel very cautious and tense when I am around people because something is holding me back from shining and expressing my true self. My relationships with people do not feel as strong because something is holding me back from growing with them.

This summer I want to dedicate it to truly understanding my self-worth, and not being afraid of myself. I want to allow myself to be silly, to laugh crazily, to be spontaneous, to joke around, and to shine my light without being afraid at the right times.

So, what can I practice to gain the confidence or courage to feel comfortable and gentle being myself, as well as finding the balance between constructive and destructive self-criticism?

Be open and honest with yourself

You have to first be open and honest with yourself before you can be open with others (and only by being open with others can you grow in those relationships, like you said). Slowly and gently bring to attention things you might have tried to reject before about yourself. Feel the courage to face them, and realize they are a part of you, too, even if you might not like those parts– you have to learn to love them.

Learn to love all parts of yourself

Of course, becoming happier, allowing yourself to grow– none of it comes as a cake walk. The reality is there might be some parts of yourself you won’t necessarily like. I used to hate myself– that I binged, that I avoided anything social, that I felt awkward, unattractive, and oftentimes clingy. But as I learned to love myself more, I realized that in loving yourself… you can’t only love the good parts, just like in any relationship you have with anyone (and the relationship you have with yourself is the MOST important one you’ll ever have– it’ll last a lifetime, after all!). You HAVE to learn to love the parts you want to change or just plain dislike.

Why? Because they’re a part of you! Even if you don’t like a certain trait of your own, realize that without it, you wouldn’t be the beautiful, multifaceted, and awesome person you are! (Besides, people who have no faults are absolutely dull and make for boring friends and an unexciting marriage.) People don’t want to see a polished, superperfected version of you– they want to see the REAL you. Who likes fakeness, after all?

Be content with what you want to improve

Recognize that there might be things about yourself you want to change. Instead of feeling bad about them or being self-destructive about it, actually brainstorm ways or goals so that you can improve! If it’s something you don’t think you can change or don’t want to change (an annoying trait of mine, stubbornness, works well with going for– and getting– what I want sometimes! see, every character trait is a double-edged sword… even the best ones might be a disadvantage sometimes!) then be kind to yourself and accept it, or catch yourself when it’s affecting your life and try to change it a little. Try to improve just a little at a time on the areas of yourself you feel need the most change. Forcing yourself to change suddenly and extremely will probably lead to self-sabotage and bouncing back to where you were before!

And always remember your best traits as well! Focus on what makes you shine, and be positive about your personality. A wise old man once told me when I was younger and didn’t really understand this: “True confidence is knowing you aren’t the worst and you aren’t the best, but you are what you are.” Don’t compare yourself to others… it’s like comparing cats and dogs. No one is better or worse than the next person. We’re all just different, and we must love and cherish those differences instead of seeking to be something or someone else. Difference and change make life so interesting!

All in all, as you accept all parts of yourself, you must then learn to love them, too. Who can possibly be there for you and love you for as long as you live other than yourself? Even if you THINK you’re such and such, that’s just a thought, and YOU have the power to change that thought and make it into something positive and constructive! You CAN be content and happy with yourself no matter what. You might feel that you still want to work on some areas of your life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love yourself for who you are always regardless of what you think you need to improve!

I used to be the opposite of confident

I wasn’t always confident– in fact, the exact opposite. Only through making many changes over the course of my lifetime (or, well, truthfully the last year or so is when I really started to learn to change) have I gotten where I am, and I still have things I want to change! For instance, becoming more patient, hardworking, open, and rising above my fears. The difference between how I treat these things now and in the past is that I used to just sit around lamenting that I had things to work on, hate myself when I couldn’t improve and magically become the person I want to be, and let the negativity or sadness I felt about it overpower my hope and ability to change. Now, I make constructive goals, focus on the positive (“become more hardworking” rather than “stop being such a lazy ass!”), and refuse to beat myself up when I have trouble. If I continue to do something I rationally don’t want to do, I recognize it, accept it, learn from it, and move on.

Taking risks and opening up can be scary, but exhilarating once you actually do it. When you just start, you’ll realize you were perfect in your own way all along. And this type of perfect isn’t manufactured or mundane.

It’s your very own brand of awesome.

And that’s the best kind you can ever have.

I love getting letters from you! (Hint, hint– send me one!) Feel free to tell me what you want to read about or if you’re dealing with something– I’m more than happy to help.

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(Click to see a larger version!)

I happened upon this little notebook in Shanghai one day, and I have to say it was lucky… I’m glad I can have this and carry it around with me, even if most of the time I’ve taken it for granted that the message’s there.

Promise
yourself to be strong that
nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true
Think only of the best
Work only for the best and expect
only the best. Forget the mistakes of
the past and press on the greater
achievements of the future

Speaking of which… another reminder to myself, from February 10th, 2009…

Life is hard. Life is so, so hard sometimes.

You can be on the edge of dying. Not dying physically, necessarily, but in spirit. You could be simply losing your will to live. Your will to stay alive one more second. Your will to wake up. And be conscious when the world keeps on going, when time passes.

Life can be so hard it tears you apart. It makes you fall apart. It rips you up.

But that’s why you keep putting one foot in front of each other. That’s why you learn to get up, even when both your legs are broken or missing or gone and you just. don’t. want. to. go. any. further.

It’s okay to want to give up. And it’s okay to feel like giving up. It’s okay to realize that, whatever you’re doing at this moment that’s making you feel such despair, maybe it’s just not what you need right now. And it’s okay to admit that.

Whatever you feel.. whether it be weak, or simply too tired… it’s okay.

But you ARE enough. And you will ALWAYS be enough. And even if you feel disappointed in yourself.. it’s past. Right now is right now. You can recreate your life starting this very moment.

Remember what she said? Remember what she told you?

No matter what.

Yet, you live on.

Despite anything.

You don’t just stop living.

So don’t hide. Don’t hide from the world. Don’t run away from consciousness.

When you don’t know if you’re about to fall apart or not.. let yourself unravel. Fall for as long as you need to. If you don’t let it pour from your heart, you’ll never be able to let it go.

People can say a million things. Other people can believe in you so much. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t even do so yourself.

If you don’t believe in yourself, you cease to exist. To yourself and to the world. You can’t think you exist, you can’t think you’re living, if you don’t believe.

So believe. And dare. Dare to do something different today. Dare to love yourself. Dare to run outside, no matter the weather, and realize: I’m alive.

Dare to say, I deserve to take care of myself.

And do so accordingly.

*

Funny thing, this part–
Remember what she said? Remember what she told you?
No matter what.
Yet, you live on.
Who is she, you wonder?

Me again… aha.

And what she– er, I– meant was…

No matter what happens, wonderful, terrible… Yet… we live on. We still continue living. Our lives keep on going, keep on moving whether we like it or not. So might as well hitch a ride and relish in the new journey, painful or pleasant.

Keep on loving. Keep on living. Because regardless of whatever happened in the past, life is still happening. You can’t avoid it, but you can choose to press on.

I’m here for you.

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