cynosure

A photo I took in Canada two years ago. The sky is always beautiful here!

Project: Summer 2010! (Project What?) Weeks – 1 & 2 | 3 & 4

I’m pretty sure that after this summer, I’m going to have a Project: Fall 2010! and a Project: Winter 2011!, et cetera… After all, you & I never stop growing, and this is a great way to be accountable without having to post every single day about what I’ve been up to

Week 5

• Monday: Sprinted up & down stairs 20+ times. It was absolutely hot outside and I didn’t know what to do… just stay inside doing nothing all day!?
• Tuesday: Walked around downtown just a little. Still hot.
• Wednesday: Walked up and down stairs a few times. Some random stretches and core exercises. This day was actually my turning point when I realized I could still move my body inside (the idea never occurred to me before, inside to me used to just call to mind “treadmill, ugh”.)
• Thursday: Some plyometrics exercises. My whole body was sore for four days… and it was sore just walking… ahaha.
• Friday: A little easy indoor cardio. There was a thunderstorm this day and after the storm I walked to and from the grocery store.
• Saturday: Finally cool enough to jog outside again! Ran/walked 2.3 miles, and did core exercises in the evening. Still sore.
• Sunday: Finally my torso was no longer sore… but my legs still were! So I spent an hour stretching as a recovery day.

Week 6

• Monday: I don’t know why, after a day of rest, I woke up feeling nauseous and sick! So I rested for most of the day, tried to do some yoga but stopped after half an hour (I don’t have a mat and there’s just hardwood floor, so I kept on slipping… plus to be honest I was a little bored! I’ll try again when I actually have a mat).
• Tuesday: I thought I was getting better but I still woke up nauseous. Still, by evening time I finally felt up to running again, so I did! Yay! Did more core exercises, and walked home after dinner.
• Wednesday: Today I ran about 20+ minutes straight for the first time without walking! It was the longest time I’d ever continuously run. Yay! I went really easy and before I knew it it was over! Also did a 10 minute cardio video later on.
• Thursday: Plyometrics exercises again. It was easier this time now that I knew to protect my knees/legs more, and all that soreness gave me some endurance. Then I walked to the bus, then 3.2+ miles around downtown, and later walked home from the bus.
• Friday: Ran/walked, then walked 2.65 miles around the neighborhood. More core exercises. Later on I walked to and from the bus station to a restaurant (about 4.2 miles).
• Saturday: Other than walking a little around downtown, today was another rest day. Must eat more mindfully every day! Part of the reason was that I slept way longer than I thought (guess I was tired!).
• Sunday: I had an insomniac night, the first in ages… and slept past 5am. Yet I was still able to run 2.77 miles, for which I’m very glad!

Epiphanies (or Notes to Self)

• My original July goal was to move every single day. I had issues with this when it got really hot, until I realized the answer (home exercise videos, haha). But also I realized that rest & recovery days are really important. If our bodies don’t get time to heal, and we continue to push hard, that’s not taking care of ourselves and our bodies at all. At first I got antsy but I’m starting to learn to enjoy a rest day.
• Start out slow. Pace yourself.
• Prioritize reading more!
• I’m eating mostly vegan lately. Still undecided if I’ll go completely. I’ll probably do a monthlong trial in September or October. It hasn’t been that hard…
• I feel more at peace & equilibrium with my spirit, mind, and body than I ever have in my life. Finding a way to just move my body almost every day has led me to feel better about myself and my body image, and it leads me to be so relaxed that I don’t need a self-destructive outlet to channel any pent-up frustration or tension. I feel happy with my little accomplishments.
  • When I still overate occasionally in the past few weeks, I bounced back within a day instead of getting into a long, hurtful cycle of self-hatred, and that is something in particular I’m more than happy about.
• Soy milk is a great recovery drink! The right ratio of proteins, carbs, and a little sodium to replenish electrolytes… I like mine unsweetened, organic, & non-GMO
  • I know there’s a lot of public health drama about soy, but soy is like corn. In its natural state it’s awesome, processed it is not, and the US processes it a tad too much (soy protein isolate anyone?). Yes, tofu and soy milk are also processed, but not to the point of being additive ingredients in & of themselves, and uh… at least a few entire nations (China, Japan, Korea…) have ate tofu & soy milk for literally hundreds of years and have never had any problems. One famous Japanese model swears on eating soy in every form– soybeans, soy milk, tofu, etc.– to keep healthy. Anyway, that’s my beef with other people’s beef with soy. You can choose to think it’s a secret evil, or just take it as it is: another alternative to dairy, a health food, whatever.

New Things to Do (and some Interesting Links)

• Become plastic- & petrochemical-free. (Slowly.) As I was picking up blueberries last week I realized that if I wanted blueberries (or any other berry, for that matter) that weren’t in individual plastic containers, I wouldn’t find them anywhere in a chain supermarket with freezing air-conditioning. Then again, I’m getting a CSA share once I move into my new place (so excited!) and well, the preliminary step is awareness. I could always do better. (Kudos to Trader Joe’s for their compostable plastic containers of dates, though!)
• Similarly… Switch to safer/natural/homemade personal care products. I already don’t wear makeup, but damnit, are there toxic chemicals in the stuff I put on to protect my skin from sun damage? I’ll probably be using stuff like shea butter, coconut butter, etc., instead. There are currently no regulations for cosmetics (or what’s labeled “organic”, either!). Watch: The Story of Cosmetics & stop and think about what possible carcinogens you’re putting on your bodies and the bodies of your loved ones.
  • Also, ever stop to realize that petroleum jelly/Vaseline is made from petroleum? Yes, THAT petroleum. (Thanks Mary for the wake-up call!)
• Ponder the Bechdel test and not only why there aren’t movies that can actually pass the test, but why film schools teach screenwriters deliberately not to pass the test.
• In other news, for some reason I stumbled across this post (the 6th ever on this site!) from deep within the crevasses of past posts the other day and was pleasantly surprised. It still rings true, and I needed the reminder. Read: We all survive. We all heal.

Would a separate post with important/interesting links be better than jamming all miscellanea into one post? Probably(?). Let me know what you think

—

Follow me on my constant journey of growth… get updates through RSS & follow me on Twitter or Facebook!

I’ve read quite a few books on eating– emotional eating, eating disorders, mindful eating. Maybe not a lot, but enough that some have helped me absolutely transform myself and others have left me completely unchanged.

These books are specific to emotional and mindful eating, not sustainable eating or food (that’s for a whole other post!). So if you’ve ever struggled with emotional eating, negative body image, bingeing & overeating, mindless eating, or you simply eat out of distraction sometimes, read on.

(And don’t forget to check out my own article on sane, yummy, mindful eating: How to Eat as Enjoyably, Healthily, and Sanely as Possible.)

1. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
   by Geneen Roth

   This book arrived on my doorstep one Saturday spring morning in March two years ago. And the week that I read it was the first week in my whole life that I ate when I was hungry, and only because I was hungry, and did not binge.

   Then that magical week ended and I spent a couple years truly learning to eat intuitively.

   That is to say, no book is a panacea. No one action is a panacea. However, this book opened my mind to ideas absolutely radical to me back then: Love yourself. Take care of your body. And… believe it or not, trust your body, and actually eat when you’re physically hungry.

   This was the one book that first opened my eyes.

   Now, I’m going to be frank: your results may vary. I don’t know how some will take to Geneen’s approach– it’s very soft, emotional, and loving, which isn’t for everyone. But for many of the women I’ve met (not to say it won’t help all you men out there, too!), this book has been absolutely life-changing.

2. Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling
   by Anita A. Johnston, Ph.D.

   This lovely book is filled with stories and metaphors that are specific to females (sorry, boys!). It is unexpectedly filled with absolute epiphanies through ingeniously weaved myths.

3. When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But)
   by Geneen Roth

   Not so much a book as a list of chapters/tips that just make so much sense. I’m trivializing it, but honestly some of the chapters in here really hit me (like learning to be present, acting as if it’s already broken, and of course, never, never dieting!). A fun book that will help you with emotional eating and body image much, much more than you’d think.

4. One Bowl: A Guide to Eating for Body and Spirit
   by Don Gerrard

   Mr. Gerrard’s method to mindful eating is a little bit unconventional compared to the others– he suggests eating everything out of one bowl, “hunting” in your kitchen for what you really want to eat (it’s pretty fun, actually!), etc. His book was first published back in the 1970s, and this is a new edition for a new millenium of mindful eaters!

   Though I haven’t chosen to completely adopt his method, his book is filled with valuable nuggets and advice on how to eat more mindfully that anyone can take away. Definitely a book for anyone who wants to learn how to eat more mindfully and enjoyably!

5. The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health
   by Karen R. Koenig

   This is kind of a book for those with eating disorders. I say kind of because really it’s a book for everyone, but I first encountered it in the realm of eating disorder recovery. But really, this book will help anyone who feels that they have any issues, big or small, with eating emotionally.

6. Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time
   by Pavel Georgievich Somov, Ph.D.

   More tips manifested as chapters in the form of a book. Helpful for anyone who wants to stop overeating and eat more mindfully!

7. Meal by Meal: 365 Daily Meditations for Finding Balance Through Mindful Eating
   by Donald Altman

   Oh, how I wish this were just a day-to-day calendar! This book is filled with a daily quote and reminder/realization to help you eat more mindfully every single day.

8. When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy
   by Geneen Roth

   This book is not for everyone, but you will be able to learn a lot from it especially if your eating habits have manifested as a result of the effects of your relationships– with your family, with lovers, with parents, with friends. Geneen, in the context of her own life, explores the connections between how we eat and how we love.

What DIDN’T work for me: A surprising whole lot of books, that’s all I’ll say. I’ve read every single one of Geneen Roth’s books, and I still think Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair are the best. I’ve read books on overcoming eating disorders and learning how to eat mindfully written by professionals and they’ve done nothing for me, usually because the author him/herself has never actually experienced any eating problems in his/her own life. Still, that doesn’t mean they won’t have merit for someone else; however, I’m not going to mention them here.

In the end, since we are each an individual, these books may or may not as life-impacting to you as they were for me… but if they were, let me know!

(This list may be updated in the future if I ever discover even better books!)

Bonus: If you click on any of these links and order from Amazon, not only will you be getting a great book that will change your life, I’ll get a few cents that’ll help feed me this month, so I can live another day to write– hurrah!

And since I own each of these books, look out because I’ll be giving away one of them sometime in the near future to a lucky reader!

—

If you like this post, please share! You can link, email, bookmark, tweet, and share it. Thank you ♥

For more awesome book recommendations & much, much, more, get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook!

Reminder: Comment & tell me your comments, complaints, & critiques about cynosure here! Let me know what you honestly think so you can keep on reading articles you love– suggestions for anything you want me to write about in particular are not only welcome but VERY encouraged!

Pleiades pre-orders are going strong, but if you’d like to take advantage of the additional special gifts, hurry & pre-order today! (What’s Pleiades? What special gifts?)

—

Project: Summer 2010! (Project What?) – Weeks 1 & 2

click here to see more »

Turning twenty was supposed to be especially important because 7 years ago, I thought I’d be dead before I hit two-oh.

There was a time in my life when I thought that I would kill myself before I’d live two decades. That life, at age twelve, had already proved itself not worth living.

My first memory of the thought: I was eight. I had snuck into the kitchen and stared at the knives, already wondering if living was worth it.

I’m not sure how to put into words exactly why. When you’re young and you feel the rest of the world is just so damn antagonistic, what can you do? Of course, I had actual reasons, but their meaning in my life has drifted away, sand on leaves.

So it’s pretty damn amazing to realize that, in the course of little over a one year or so, I’ve moved forward so far. It was March of last year. I had reached the end of a line and knew I had to change or die. To go from a self-hating-bulimic-anorexic-bingeing-self-harming-depressed-and-once-upon-a-time-suicidal ball of self-destruction to happy, content, full of confidence and love and unconditional acceptance for myself… what can I say? In the past I couldn’t have even dreamt such blessings and joy.

Still, I’m not there yet. I’ll never really be there, and to me, that’s what makes life worth living. Always moving forward, because there is no end. No end to this growing, this living, this loving.

I can always stand to love myself a little more each day. We all can.

“To be honest” is, if not my favorite, then my most overused way to start a sentence. I feel compelled to announce when I’m being “especially” honest. It’s my ironically boring way of making “confessions” with a sprinkle of spice.

To be honest, I’m absolutely terrified of talking on the phone. I’ve been working on this for what seems like forever. In high school, I would lie and say I lost my phone.. underneath my bed.. for several days. I prefer anything to communicating telephonically. I actually prefer talking to someone in person (most of the time) to any other way.

To be honest, I have no idea what I’m going to do, you know, for a living, for an extended period of time. And that uneasiness of where I’m headed is clouding my mind, my actions. I don’t know what to do now because I’m not sure what I’m even aiming for. What am I supposed to do in a situation like that? I live in the present, but the present determines the future, and I don’t know what future I want. I want to be … better. That’s it. Smarter. More responsible. Wiser. More clear-headed. Healthier. I should focus on that one first.

To be honest…

This story is unfinished. It always has been. And I’ve been feeling like maybe it’s almost even a little false at this point, because somewhere along the way, I did start binging again. And I did start feeling.. utterly confused as to why. And problems have come back.

I’ve been trying to avoid it, and I think that’s the problem. Clarity comes back to me when I feel like I’m really experiencing life, even if I’m just seeking inspiration in beauty of words and images and life as depicted by others. But lately, very recently, and for several months before that, I’ve been eating mindlessly. Truthfully, weight gain is the least of my concerns. I’m more upset about how helpless, hopeless, and nauseous I’ve ended up making myself feel day after day. I’m more concerned with the fact that I don’t seem to even know why I started, let alone how to stop.

I feel as if I haven’t walked in days, let alone climbed and hiked and enjoyed moving my body. I’ve felt sedentary and sick.

Also, painfully, I’ve realized I have a small appetite and a not-too-swift metabolism. No matter how much I want to, I can’t eat very much. I used to be self-conscious of this. And I used to eat more, a lot more than my stomach could even handle, in company just because I felt others projecting their own insecurities onto me when they saw how little I eat. Ironic that when I was anorexic and hungry, for the sake of achieving an impossible body type I wouldn’t eat at mealtimes even when I was starving. And ironic later that I began to eat more for the sake of making others more comfortable with themselves. That’s not my job. Don’t pressure me.

It’s been hard for me to accept that my metabolism isn’t lightning speed, that my stomach can only fit a little food at a time. I’ve forced my poor stomach to take in much more than it needs for a week… all at once, in a day. I’m getting better, though. Or, I was, until recently I started not even eating healthy food. (Not that just because it’s healthy means you should binge on it, et cetera…)

But I have to accept it. I can’t change it. I have to love that part of myself, too. I have to stop wishing I had a faster metabolism so I could eat more, more frequently. When I eat what my body needs when I’m hungry… I don’t eat much. I CAN’T eat that much. That’s one confession.

(Another thing I have to accept: Depression is a big part of my past life. Just because I’m unbelievably happy now doesn’t mean I can ever ignore that and, especially, not be mindful when it flickers in my life again, warning me to pay attention and stop taking myself and my life for granted.)

I brought my old journal back from the dead so I could read some of my past scattered writings (and retrieve old content for the Never Give Up kit, of course). One particular impetus was to find again this quote, since I left my books on emotional eating somewhere else because I thought (yet again) “I’m ‘recovered’ completely, hurrah!”:

My students often say, “I want to be done with this thing with food once and for all.” But there is no place to get to, no such thing as arriving and never having to leave. If you take a big view and understand that eating, or thinking about eating, will probably always be the way you alert yourself to changes in your inner world, you can relax. You can use turning to food as a method of exploring the corners of your soul; you can think about emotional eating as a gift rather than a curse.

Geneen Roth, from When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair

It’s my gift, then, right? The problem is that I’m not using it to my advantage… why, why have I started this terrible cycle again? A few days I’m healthy… a few days later, I’m caving at the first twitch of stress. Why why why. (I’m figuring it out… slow and steady wins the race.)

I know I started this journal for you, but I started it for me, too. And my constant occassional “I’ll be honest” writings are my steps in becoming more open, more vulnerable. I want to tell you everything now, without all these censors I put on myself. I want to share. (And if what I write might move you, amuse you, or even somehow help you, that’s more than enough for me.)

About why my childhood and, more severely, middle school years were terrible enough for me to want to die. (Well, maybe not… that might just be yet another sob story. Maybe.)

About how I was taken advantage of by a 23-year-old classmate (whose girlfriend was in Japan…) on my sixteenth birthday. (I seem to attract guys who cheat on their girlfriends. Sigh. Maybe I’ll tell that story, too.)

About how I was mugged on the streets of Shanghai in the summer of 2007. (Actually, that story’s not as interesting as you’d think.)

About my first real “relationship” (I say it was real yet put the word in quotes… hrm), and my first sexual experience (it was far from “making love”).

About my first love that spanned five years and lasted as a flicker through two unrelated relationships.

About…

(It seems that most of my traumatic experiences happened as a result of males. Tough luck, dudes. Though a couple of males have also been, in a way, my saviors as well, so it balances out.)

One big deterrent was always that these were real people I was talking about, real people who could even be reading this now (though I flatter myself in thinking so). But that’s just one of the risks in putting a slice of one’s self out into the open, right? (And even more so with this medium).

Thanks for sticking with me this far. My story’s only just begun. It’s almost six in the morning and it’s another bright, new, beautiful day. Well, after I sleep and awake again, at least.

And if you were wondering what my first favorite word is… well, at first thought, I’d say it was love… which does happen to be a close first. But the truth is I don’t have one. I love (there’s that word again!) words too much to associate with such petty favoritism. Hah! (I probably should sleep now.)

—

Join me in my journey… get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter!

Sunny blessed afternoons. I read 10 books in April. I’m now ahead for reading a book a week (I was behind the first three months!). I’m now striving for at least 100 books this year.

I still wish I could clone myself so I could actually be in my own photos sometimes, but benches and tables work as good stand-ins once in a while

I bought myself a huge tiramisu cake for my own birthday a week ago. The girl at the bakery asked, “Is it for someone’s birthday?” I nodded yes and she let me pick out a candle and a “Happy Birthday” sign. I still have yet to eat it (or make a birthday wish and blow out the candle!). I wonder when I will.

Likewise, two mango cakes for a half-birthday & an anniversary.

Friday a week ago was fantastic.

Speaking of desserts, which I simply adore, I’m excitedly beginning to create raw vegan desserts. Since cupcakes are tempting (and aesthetically pleasing, which is probably why I like them so much) I made a few yesterday with Oliver. (We also finally did a papercraft project together that we’ve been meaning to do since November.) Making food is fun and exciting.. to me, at least. If you’re asking, how could a cupcake be raw? then the answer is: It’s made of fruits and nuts, coconut butter, and natural unprocessed sweeteners like agave (or honey, which is “beegan”).

Yummy raw vegan chocolate cupcakes with frosting! (The frosting was almost too rich and sweet for me! but maybe because I tasted it too much while I was making it…)

I’ve been meaning to write about raw veganism (and all sorts of healthy delicious food in general) since I first started eating more raw food, and many yummy food writings are coming soon!

I’ve also been vegetarian for a couple of weeks and it’s been both surprisingly and unsurprisingly easy for me. My trial period was 30 days (I haven’t slept past noon in over a month, either! hurrah!) but I think I might transition entirely (or at least to pescetarianism). On some days I’m completely raw vegan, on others, I’m just vegetarian… I’m flexible and I like it that way (plus, I rebel against restrictions, self-imposed or not– restricting and depriving is for the weak!).

Either way, I find myself not missing dead animal flesh at all. After I’m done with my 30 days, I’ll be sure to share my journey, considering my parents used to call me a tiger for my carnivorous tendencies and wonder how a horse (I was born in the year of) that was supposed to eat grass became such a voracious meat-eater. The funny thing is that I (along with a few other vegetarians, vegans, or even raw vegans) used to be one of those people that’d say “I’d never be able to be a vegetarian.” But it’s a process, and it’s gradual. Whew! I’d better not get carried away before this becomes a ramble about vegetarianism.

I hope you had a good weekend, and may you have a good week.

photo by Oliver

click here to see more »