cynosure

I’m running the 2010 San Diego AIDS 10k Run in SEVENTEEN days!
Please support the cause by either purchasing an exclusive print of your choice– ALL proceeds to SD AIDS Walk– or my book, Pleiades or a limited edition 16×20 print (50% to the cause).

If you want to make a direct donation, please click here! Thank you for all of your AMAZING support!

What are those, you ask? Those are just a few slices of the delectable vegan food I’ve been eating lately. I’m doing a 30-day vegan trial this month. Why, you ask? (Oh… you didn’t ask?)

Well, why not? Not just for the vegan superpowers that I’ve already accumulated after 9 days of veganism, of course (besides, Todd wasn’t really a vegan anyway), but because it was the logical next step for me after I stopped eating meat a few months ago. (Is raw next? I tried to go from being an omnivore to raw vegan half a year ago, but missed warm food and real baked goods. Gradual changes are easier, anyway.)

I’d already started eating mostly vegan, baking only vegan, and going to vegan restaurants (I notice a lot of vegetarian restaurants are actually vegan, but the word “vegan” intimidates some, I suppose)… but the main things– er, well, foods– holding me back were certain dishes at restaurants that had cheese as an afterthought, eggs benedict (rawr! I’ll be replicating a vegan tofu version soon), and… here’s the clincher… PASTRIES.

I LOVE bakeries, desserts, pastries… basically anything that came out of a piping-hot oven with an enticing smell for my poor sense of scent. And even if vegan bakeries are becoming more prominent, they still aren’t the norm (and even Whole Foods has a terrible reputation of not having enough freshly baked vegan desserts!).

Even after I started this trial, I’ve been strongly tempted by: donuts! (I just want ONE vegan donut. it doesn’t justify my buying a whole donut pan just so I can make one donut…) a certain butter brick toast I’ve wanted from a certain Southern Californian tea house! cupcakes (I don’t even like them)! cakes & galore!… you get the idea.

But ironically, because of that, I LOVE being vegan! It forces me to be resourceful; pay even more attention to ingredients than I did before; think of creative ways to veganize food I ate in the past; cook cook cook, which I love to do anyway!

Plus, Vegenaise and Earth Balance are pretty good.

Besides, who needs butter brick toast anyway… I’ll formulate my own vegan Earth Balance brick toast.

Speaking of formulating… er, cooking… here’s the first awesome recipe of the moment that I promised you so long ago!

Bulgur, Arugula, & Cannellini Salad
adapted from the Veganomicon: The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook– which, by the way, is a terrific cookbook… who needs animal products when you can make food this good without them?

1/2 cup bulgur (cracked wheat)
1 cup thinly sliced cremini mushrooms
About 1/2 a can of cooked cannellini beans, drained & rinsed
1/2 small red onion, sliced thinly
1 cup lightly packed arugula leaves

Dressing:
1/8 cup olive oil
2 1/2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 garlic clove (or equivalent in garlic powder)
1/2 tsp paprika
1/4 tbsp fresh oregano (or 1/4 tsp dried oregano)
about 1/2 tsp salt
Several pinches freshly ground black pepper

Place the bulgur in a small pot or container with a tight lid. Boil 2/3 cups of water and pour over bulgur, then cover & let sit for 30 minutes while you make the dressing.

Mix & stir dressing ingredients in a medium-sized mixing bowl, then add beans, onion, & mushrooms. Let them marinate & go do something else until the bulgur is done.

After the bulgur is done, add it to the mixing bowl while warm, and toss/stir. Add the arugula leaves (if they’re too big, tear them into smaller pieces first). Mix, mix, mix! Then cover & refrigerate until the salad is completely chilled.

Isa & Terry say “It’s a good idea to let this chill for as long as possible before digging in; it’s one of those things that’s even better the day after it’s made and even better still the day after that.”

Serves you & three of your closest friends… so invite them over!

I learned 3 things from making this:

1. I love cannellini beans. I can just eat cannellini beans straight out of the can. (Har, har, har.) I never tried them before I made this, though… I used to hate beans (I was subjected to one-too-many soups consisting of just soybeans and broth as a child) but now I want to try all sorts of beans!
2. I thought I hated salads… but I love this one. And it doesn’t even have gratuitous amounts of avocado in it.
3. It’s REALLY good. “First vegan recipe and she posts a SALAD? Really?” Yeah… because it’s that good. I originally made this for a friend… but it looks like I have to make it again, because I want to eat this batch myself!

And about the fresh oregano… I’m just rubbing in the fact that after I moved into my new place in sandy eggo a couple of days ago, I saw these at Trader Joe’s and couldn’t resist:

Meet my new children, Basil, Thyme, Rosemary, & Oregano.

I also had a rad sandwich of artisan sourdough bread fresh from the bakery, Vegenaise, ketchup, mustard, fresh basil & arugula, and homemade seitan yesterday. Glorious.

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I’m grateful for all the depression, all the traumas, all the pain, all the disordered eating and all the sadness; without it, I wouldn’t have learned to fight, fight to be happy, be determined, persevere, overcome my own negativity, my own darkness.

Without it, I wouldn’t have learned to love eating, to love food, to really learn how to enjoy nourishing my body and taking care of myself. I wouldn’t have learned to be healthy, eat healthily, live healthily. And I wouldn’t have wanted to.

Without it, I wouldn’t have learned to eventually love life, to live in the present, to stop regretting, to stop worrying.

I wouldn’t have learned to carry on despite countless failures in the past; let go of the times I felt like I had ruined myself;

I wouldn’t have learned to not only love others but just as importantly, love myself.

I’m grateful for all the things in my past that I once regretted to the ends of the earth, that I once blamed myself for, despised myself for, wanted to destroy myself for.

Without the desperation that came with being up to my waist in sorrow, self-damaging thinking, destruction… I would never have been moved to change.

Without all the hurt, anger, frustration, guilt, ridiculously self-disparaging thoughts, and myriad of other uncomfortable or terrible feelings… and without the constant obstacles of the present that I now see as growth opportunities… I wouldn’t have learned to be strong, and I wouldn’t have had a reason to even try.

I’m grateful for everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. Even if it kind of sucked at the time, and might not be so cheery in the future.

What are you grateful for?

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I woke up this morning four hours past my waketime. I had wanted to go on a long run today, to clear my head. I hadn’t run much in the past week or so. But I woke up too late. The sun was already stretching across the land and it was getting hot soon.

Plus, I felt a weight in my stomach. My after-dinner snack last night of lots and lots of cornbread, vegan cream cheese, dates, three too many skewers of Japanese dango with lots of sugary additives… The vegan cream cheese especially, as I put it, kicked my digestive system’s ass. I had overslept. I felt nauseous, groggy. My abdomen even ached and cramped and protested. Still, I did not regret. I accepted it. I wanted to eat more these few days to get more fuel anyway.

I drank water. A lot of it. My stomach felt like it was emptying eventually. I wanted to eat. I wanted to make sweet cornbread. Eat a bowl of oatmeal. I wanted to be hungry so I could eat.

But I didn’t wait for hunger, which on days like these can come like a lover in the night, forcing me to be patient the whole day. I didn’t want to wait. Instead, I ate half a pan of the plain cornbread I made the day before with gratuitous amounts of agave syrup and Earth Balance. And then multiple bowls of pumpkin flaxseed cereal (I hate cereal) with soy milk and peanut butter and banana. I thought it would taste like the oh-so-familiar oatmeal I loved to eat, with mashed banana and peanut butter on the spoon. It didn’t. But I kept on eating.

All before noon. All before I was to go to my neighbor’s house to play board games with a group of friends.

And I had that sinking feeling in my stomach, the literal feeling of the weight of the equivalent of several meals inside. The kind of feeling, that feeling of a binge, that in the past made me want to give up everything. Stay inside. Blow off my friends and our plans. Avoid seeing anyone, I felt too disgusting. Eat more, maybe. Grovel on the bed with a headache and bemoan a wasted day. I had ruined an entire day with the actions of a few minutes.

At least, that’s what I would have done. A couple years ago, maybe. A couple of months ago, even. Something I had done countless times in the past– avoided social contact as much as possible, for fear of this feeling. This feeling of self-disgust and grossness and being literally weighed down and feeling sick and tired from digesting, from too much food in too little time.

But this time, I didn’t.

I gathered up my stuff and left and played board games with friends for five hours. My energy level dipped back up to normal, then down again as my body continued to work hard digesting the sudden amount of food with which I had presented it. But I did it– I left my house during a moment I could have said, “Why not hole up and feel bad about myself and do nothing about it.” I didn’t eat while I was there because I wasn’t hungry yet. I didn’t let the actions of the already far away past (this morning) ruin my day. I didn’t let myself be immobilized by my own judgments about what had already happened. I didn’t say, “Well, today’s ruined anyway, might as well eat myself to the point of wanting to die.”

Instead, I moved on.

And I just came home. And I contemplated eating more. Cornbread dipped in an olive oil and spice marinade this time, maybe. Or maybe I’d make sweet cornbread and eat all of that. Maybe I’d eat some strawberries. Maybe I’d eat slices of tomato, make sweet potato fries, dip them in BBQ sauce leftover by a recent guest just because I didn’t want to waste it.

Or maybe I could wait until I’m hungry again. Continue to take care of my body. Because I am healthy. I am strong. And I love myself.

I chose love and health and strength.

And joy in the only thing that ever really exists: the present.

Today is the best day of your life. This moment, the best moment.

Because it’s the only moment you’re living in right now.

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A photo I took in Canada two years ago. The sky is always beautiful here!

Project: Summer 2010! (Project What?) Weeks – 1 & 2 | 3 & 4

I’m pretty sure that after this summer, I’m going to have a Project: Fall 2010! and a Project: Winter 2011!, et cetera… After all, you & I never stop growing, and this is a great way to be accountable without having to post every single day about what I’ve been up to

Week 5

• Monday: Sprinted up & down stairs 20+ times. It was absolutely hot outside and I didn’t know what to do… just stay inside doing nothing all day!?
• Tuesday: Walked around downtown just a little. Still hot.
• Wednesday: Walked up and down stairs a few times. Some random stretches and core exercises. This day was actually my turning point when I realized I could still move my body inside (the idea never occurred to me before, inside to me used to just call to mind “treadmill, ugh”.)
• Thursday: Some plyometrics exercises. My whole body was sore for four days… and it was sore just walking… ahaha.
• Friday: A little easy indoor cardio. There was a thunderstorm this day and after the storm I walked to and from the grocery store.
• Saturday: Finally cool enough to jog outside again! Ran/walked 2.3 miles, and did core exercises in the evening. Still sore.
• Sunday: Finally my torso was no longer sore… but my legs still were! So I spent an hour stretching as a recovery day.

Week 6

• Monday: I don’t know why, after a day of rest, I woke up feeling nauseous and sick! So I rested for most of the day, tried to do some yoga but stopped after half an hour (I don’t have a mat and there’s just hardwood floor, so I kept on slipping… plus to be honest I was a little bored! I’ll try again when I actually have a mat).
• Tuesday: I thought I was getting better but I still woke up nauseous. Still, by evening time I finally felt up to running again, so I did! Yay! Did more core exercises, and walked home after dinner.
• Wednesday: Today I ran about 20+ minutes straight for the first time without walking! It was the longest time I’d ever continuously run. Yay! I went really easy and before I knew it it was over! Also did a 10 minute cardio video later on.
• Thursday: Plyometrics exercises again. It was easier this time now that I knew to protect my knees/legs more, and all that soreness gave me some endurance. Then I walked to the bus, then 3.2+ miles around downtown, and later walked home from the bus.
• Friday: Ran/walked, then walked 2.65 miles around the neighborhood. More core exercises. Later on I walked to and from the bus station to a restaurant (about 4.2 miles).
• Saturday: Other than walking a little around downtown, today was another rest day. Must eat more mindfully every day! Part of the reason was that I slept way longer than I thought (guess I was tired!).
• Sunday: I had an insomniac night, the first in ages… and slept past 5am. Yet I was still able to run 2.77 miles, for which I’m very glad!

Epiphanies (or Notes to Self)

• My original July goal was to move every single day. I had issues with this when it got really hot, until I realized the answer (home exercise videos, haha). But also I realized that rest & recovery days are really important. If our bodies don’t get time to heal, and we continue to push hard, that’s not taking care of ourselves and our bodies at all. At first I got antsy but I’m starting to learn to enjoy a rest day.
• Start out slow. Pace yourself.
• Prioritize reading more!
• I’m eating mostly vegan lately. Still undecided if I’ll go completely. I’ll probably do a monthlong trial in September or October. It hasn’t been that hard…
• I feel more at peace & equilibrium with my spirit, mind, and body than I ever have in my life. Finding a way to just move my body almost every day has led me to feel better about myself and my body image, and it leads me to be so relaxed that I don’t need a self-destructive outlet to channel any pent-up frustration or tension. I feel happy with my little accomplishments.
  • When I still overate occasionally in the past few weeks, I bounced back within a day instead of getting into a long, hurtful cycle of self-hatred, and that is something in particular I’m more than happy about.
• Soy milk is a great recovery drink! The right ratio of proteins, carbs, and a little sodium to replenish electrolytes… I like mine organic/non-GMO
  • I know there’s a lot of public health drama about soy, but soy is like corn. In its natural state it’s awesome, processed it is not, and the US processes it a tad too much (soy protein isolate anyone?). Yes, tofu and soy milk are also processed, but not to the point of being additive ingredients in & of themselves, and uh… at least a few entire nations (China, Japan, Korea…) have ate tofu & soy milk for literally hundreds of years and have never had any problems. One famous Japanese model swears on eating soy in every form– soybeans, soy milk, tofu, etc.– to keep healthy. Anyway, that’s my beef with other people’s beef with soy. You can choose to think it’s a secret evil, or just take it as it is: an alternative to dairy/meat, a source of protein for vegetarians, damn delicious (mm tempeh!), whatever.

New Things to Do (and some Interesting Links)

• Become plastic- & petrochemical-free. (Slowly.) As I was picking up blueberries last week I realized that if I wanted blueberries (or any other berry, for that matter) that weren’t in individual plastic containers, I wouldn’t find them anywhere in a chain supermarket with freezing air-conditioning. Then again, I’m getting a CSA share once I move into my new place (so excited!) and well, the preliminary step is awareness. I could always do better. (Kudos to Trader Joe’s for their compostable plastic containers of dates, though!)
• Similarly… Switch to safer/natural/homemade personal care products. I already don’t wear makeup, but damnit, are there toxic chemicals in the stuff I put on to protect my skin from sun damage? I’ll probably be using stuff like shea butter, coconut butter, etc., instead. There are currently no regulations for cosmetics (or what’s labeled “organic”, either!). Watch: The Story of Cosmetics & stop and think about what possible carcinogens you’re putting on your bodies and the bodies of your loved ones.
  • Also, ever stop to realize that petroleum jelly/Vaseline is made from petroleum? Yes, THAT petroleum. (Thanks Mary for the wake-up call!)
• Ponder the Bechdel test and not only why there aren’t movies that can actually pass the test, but why film schools teach screenwriters deliberately not to pass the test.
• In other news, for some reason I stumbled across this post (the 6th ever on this site!) from deep within the crevasses of past posts the other day and was pleasantly surprised. It still rings true, and I needed the reminder. Read: We all survive. We all heal.

Would a separate post with important/interesting links be better than jamming all miscellanea into one post? Probably(?). Let me know what you think

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I’ve read quite a few books on eating– emotional eating, eating disorders, mindful eating. Maybe not a lot, but enough that some have helped me absolutely transform myself and others have left me completely unchanged.

These books are specific to emotional and mindful eating, not sustainable eating or food (that’s for a whole other post!). So if you’ve ever struggled with emotional eating, negative body image, bingeing & overeating, mindless eating, or you simply eat out of distraction sometimes, read on.

(And don’t forget to check out my own article on sane, yummy, mindful eating: How to Eat as Enjoyably, Healthily, and Sanely as Possible.)

1. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
   by Geneen Roth

   This book arrived on my doorstep one Saturday spring morning in March two years ago. And the week that I read it was the first week in my whole life that I ate when I was hungry, and only because I was hungry, and did not binge.

   Then that magical week ended and I spent a couple years truly learning to eat intuitively.

   That is to say, no book is a panacea. No one action is a panacea. However, this book opened my mind to ideas absolutely radical to me back then: Love yourself. Take care of your body. And… believe it or not, trust your body, and actually eat when you’re physically hungry.

   This was the one book that first opened my eyes.

   Now, I’m going to be frank: your results may vary. I don’t know how some will take to Geneen’s approach– it’s very soft, emotional, and loving, which isn’t for everyone. But for many of the women I’ve met (not to say it won’t help all you men out there, too!), this book has been absolutely life-changing.

2. Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling
   by Anita A. Johnston, Ph.D.

   This lovely book is filled with stories and metaphors that are specific to females (sorry, boys!). It is unexpectedly filled with absolute epiphanies through ingeniously weaved myths.

3. When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But)
   by Geneen Roth

   Not so much a book as a list of chapters/tips that just make so much sense. I’m trivializing it, but honestly some of the chapters in here really hit me (like learning to be present, acting as if it’s already broken, and of course, never, never dieting!). A fun book that will help you with emotional eating and body image much, much more than you’d think.

4. One Bowl: A Guide to Eating for Body and Spirit
   by Don Gerrard

   Mr. Gerrard’s method to mindful eating is a little bit unconventional compared to the others– he suggests eating everything out of one bowl, “hunting” in your kitchen for what you really want to eat (it’s pretty fun, actually!), etc. His book was first published back in the 1970s, and this is a new edition for a new millenium of mindful eaters!

   Though I haven’t chosen to completely adopt his method, his book is filled with valuable nuggets and advice on how to eat more mindfully that anyone can take away. Definitely a book for anyone who wants to learn how to eat more mindfully and enjoyably!

5. The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health
   by Karen R. Koenig

   This is kind of a book for those with eating disorders. I say kind of because really it’s a book for everyone, but I first encountered it in the realm of eating disorder recovery. But really, this book will help anyone who feels that they have any issues, big or small, with eating emotionally.

6. Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time
   by Pavel Georgievich Somov, Ph.D.

   More tips manifested as chapters in the form of a book. Helpful for anyone who wants to stop overeating and eat more mindfully!

7. Meal by Meal: 365 Daily Meditations for Finding Balance Through Mindful Eating
   by Donald Altman

   Oh, how I wish this were just a day-to-day calendar! This book is filled with a daily quote and reminder/realization to help you eat more mindfully every single day.

8. When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy
   by Geneen Roth

   This book is not for everyone, but you will be able to learn a lot from it especially if your eating habits have manifested as a result of the effects of your relationships– with your family, with lovers, with parents, with friends. Geneen, in the context of her own life, explores the connections between how we eat and how we love.

What DIDN’T work for me: A surprising whole lot of books, that’s all I’ll say. I’ve read every single one of Geneen Roth’s books, and I still think Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair are the best. I’ve read books on overcoming eating disorders and learning how to eat mindfully written by professionals and they’ve done nothing for me, usually because the author him/herself has never actually experienced any eating problems in his/her own life. Still, that doesn’t mean they won’t have merit for someone else; however, I’m not going to mention them here.

In the end, since we are each an individual, these books may or may not as life-impacting to you as they were for me… but if they were, let me know!

(This list may be updated in the future if I ever discover even better books!)

Bonus: If you click on any of these links and order from Amazon, not only will you be getting a great book that will change your life, I’ll get a few cents that’ll help feed me this month, so I can live another day to write– hurrah!

And since I own each of these books, look out because I’ll be giving away one of them sometime in the near future to a lucky reader!

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