cynosure

The first time I chopped off all (well, most) of my hair, I was 13.

That weekend, I was going to dress up as Tokyo Babylon Sumeragi Subaru, a CLAMP character– and arguably my all-time favorite anime/manga, or at least the one in which I was most emotionally invested– for my first convention. (Incidentally, Subaru means Pleiades in Japanese, ahem…)

It was the first time I got my hair cut by someone other than my mom, with whose skills I had been less than satisfied as of late. I handed the lady at SuperCuts a print-out of a manga scan of Subaru and his twin sister, Hokuto, and she told me she couldn’t use it– it was a “comic book character, for deity’s sake!” She would not give me the faux-sideburns that the character required– instead, she proceeded to hack off everything into something much less cool than a bowl cut.

I looked like a boy. (Wasn’t that the goal, anyway?) No matter. I was mortified. I had Chinese school in an hour. Could I get by with wearing a hat?

And more than just feeling mortified, I was incredibly depressed every time I looked in the mirror. I felt terrible about the loss of my hair. At least before I had my hair cut, I didn’t look too bad.

Worse, being that it was middle school (the new version of high school in terms of being the epitome of peer pressure and meanness– kids start to mature so much earlier these days!), I became the brunt of bullying.

Not just being teased that I looked like a guy (and dressed like one already, too). Instead, I was “worse”– I was “a lesbian”, they jeered, staring at me and my hair with disdain, treating me like something absolutely grotesque.

For the rest of 8th grade I was ridiculed for looking “not straight”. I didn’t understand; why could the girls with makeup and long hair slap each other’s butts, laughing, and hug each other tight… but if I hugged my best friend, people would look at me as if I were not just weird but disgusting? Because I didn’t wear cute clothes or “look” like a girl?

I had serious gender identity crises. Why did I see a cute guy that I might even be attracted to, when I looked in the mirror? Why, if I tried to see myself as female, I thought I was ugly?

After a while, though, I became comfortable with my short-haired self, even reveled in the fact that I didn’t look like everyone else– but eventually decided to grow out my hair, citing a goal to grow enough hair to donate to Locks of Love, and the fact that I had never really grown out my hair past a certain length.

The second time I chopped off all my hair was the year I turned 18. I felt like I had to reclaim a part of myself somehow before I teetered towards the first number of “adulthood”– I was heart and stomach deep within an eating disorder, a different kind of depression I didn’t understand, a sort of quiet numbness that made me feel hollow– I felt like having short hair again was like coming back to myself, to the self that actually knew how to feel once upon a time, knew how to cry bucketloads instead of being a stone. Anything better than the soul-paralyzed anesthetic I constantly felt then.

So I took a pair of scissors (I never trusted SuperCuts again…) and cut my hair. Unevenly and unperfectly, but I did it.

I also dyed my hair black, the last time I ever dyed my hair, and the first time my hair was its “natural” color in 7 years. (I had dyed my hair at least once or twice per year ever since I was 11, convinced that black was just “so boring!”)

And I felt like I transformed somehow. I felt like I returned to my real self a little bit. But I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish. I don’t know if I saw it as a panacea for all my problems at the time. It was still a symbolic action for me, though. Something changed.

And then I grew out my hair again. I wanted to dress up as Tifa Lockhart with my natural hair at least once in my life, and I still wanted to see how long I could grow it out.

Recently, though, I’ve gotten a little sick of having so much hair. I love my hair, surely, but it becomes a burden when I run, it rarely behaves, and it always seems to get in the way. Even after my first haircut this month, after I showered, the generic style I got didn’t want to replicate itself again without the prodigious amount of products the hairdresser had piled on at the salon.

So I decided offhandedly that I wanted to go back to short hair. I really did feel different when I had short hair. Like it was a way of being true to myself, to the way I saw myself inside, within my spirit.

But this time, after I got it cut, I didn’t feel too different as I stared at myself in the mirror, waiting for my sister’s hair to be done as well. I do feel a little more satisfied with my hair (no more bangs in my eyes and excessive amount of hair left everywhere I go!), and that short hair suits me better and expresses my inner self more– but I don’t feel like I’ve changed that much.

I don’t feel like just because I look different physically, my internal feelings will change, too. Not anymore.

That’s my milestone. How I look on the outside doesn’t affect my inside anymore.

And it’s not just hair. But my body– my nose, my lips, my eyes, my legs, my arms, my hips, my stomach, or how well I fit my bras.

As long as I’m healthy, as long as I’m happy… on the inside.

And that realization, cemented in my heart, brings me more happiness than any physical change ever could.

(I can’t wait to shave my head in a couple years, too. Originally it was scheduled for my 30th birthday, but I figure why not sooner than later?)

Thank you India.Arie for the title… I was stumped for a moment

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I’ve read quite a few books on eating– emotional eating, eating disorders, mindful eating. Maybe not a lot, but enough that some have helped me absolutely transform myself and others have left me completely unchanged.

These books are specific to emotional and mindful eating, not sustainable eating or food (that’s for a whole other post!). So if you’ve ever struggled with emotional eating, negative body image, bingeing & overeating, mindless eating, or you simply eat out of distraction sometimes, read on.

(And don’t forget to check out my own article on sane, yummy, mindful eating: How to Eat as Enjoyably, Healthily, and Sanely as Possible.)

1. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
   by Geneen Roth

   This book arrived on my doorstep one Saturday spring morning in March two years ago. And the week that I read it was the first week in my whole life that I ate when I was hungry, and only because I was hungry, and did not binge.

   Then that magical week ended and I spent a couple years truly learning to eat intuitively.

   That is to say, no book is a panacea. No one action is a panacea. However, this book opened my mind to ideas absolutely radical to me back then: Love yourself. Take care of your body. And… believe it or not, trust your body, and actually eat when you’re physically hungry.

   This was the one book that first opened my eyes.

   Now, I’m going to be frank: your results may vary. I don’t know how some will take to Geneen’s approach– it’s very soft, emotional, and loving, which isn’t for everyone. But for many of the women I’ve met (not to say it won’t help all you men out there, too!), this book has been absolutely life-changing.

2. Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling
   by Anita A. Johnston, Ph.D.

   This lovely book is filled with stories and metaphors that are specific to females (sorry, boys!). It is unexpectedly filled with absolute epiphanies through ingeniously weaved myths.

3. When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But)
   by Geneen Roth

   Not so much a book as a list of chapters/tips that just make so much sense. I’m trivializing it, but honestly some of the chapters in here really hit me (like learning to be present, acting as if it’s already broken, and of course, never, never dieting!). A fun book that will help you with emotional eating and body image much, much more than you’d think.

4. One Bowl: A Guide to Eating for Body and Spirit
   by Don Gerrard

   Mr. Gerrard’s method to mindful eating is a little bit unconventional compared to the others– he suggests eating everything out of one bowl, “hunting” in your kitchen for what you really want to eat (it’s pretty fun, actually!), etc. His book was first published back in the 1970s, and this is a new edition for a new millenium of mindful eaters!

   Though I haven’t chosen to completely adopt his method, his book is filled with valuable nuggets and advice on how to eat more mindfully that anyone can take away. Definitely a book for anyone who wants to learn how to eat more mindfully and enjoyably!

5. The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health
   by Karen R. Koenig

   This is kind of a book for those with eating disorders. I say kind of because really it’s a book for everyone, but I first encountered it in the realm of eating disorder recovery. But really, this book will help anyone who feels that they have any issues, big or small, with eating emotionally.

6. Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time
   by Pavel Georgievich Somov, Ph.D.

   More tips manifested as chapters in the form of a book. Helpful for anyone who wants to stop overeating and eat more mindfully!

7. Meal by Meal: 365 Daily Meditations for Finding Balance Through Mindful Eating
   by Donald Altman

   Oh, how I wish this were just a day-to-day calendar! This book is filled with a daily quote and reminder/realization to help you eat more mindfully every single day.

8. When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy
   by Geneen Roth

   This book is not for everyone, but you will be able to learn a lot from it especially if your eating habits have manifested as a result of the effects of your relationships– with your family, with lovers, with parents, with friends. Geneen, in the context of her own life, explores the connections between how we eat and how we love.

What DIDN’T work for me: A surprising whole lot of books, that’s all I’ll say. I’ve read every single one of Geneen Roth’s books, and I still think Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair are the best. I’ve read books on overcoming eating disorders and learning how to eat mindfully written by professionals and they’ve done nothing for me, usually because the author him/herself has never actually experienced any eating problems in his/her own life. Still, that doesn’t mean they won’t have merit for someone else; however, I’m not going to mention them here.

In the end, since we are each an individual, these books may or may not as life-impacting to you as they were for me… but if they were, let me know!

(This list may be updated in the future if I ever discover even better books!)

Bonus: If you click on any of these links and order from Amazon, not only will you be getting a great book that will change your life, I’ll get a few cents that’ll help feed me this month, so I can live another day to write– hurrah!

And since I own each of these books, look out because I’ll be giving away one of them sometime in the near future to a lucky reader!

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Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient.
Aristotle

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.
Ramona L. Anderson

If you don’t like someone, or if someone betrays you, you can walk away. You can stop being his/her friend.

But if you don’t even love yourself, you have nowhere to go.

This inescapable truth came crashing down on me when, for the first six months after I’d first moved 500 miles away to Southern California, I was absolutely miserable. I had no close friends, no family, no one to depend on. I felt like nobody cared about me, and that if I simply disappeared, nobody would even notice. When I woke up in the morning, I’d start crying before I even opened my eyes because I felt so alone. If only I had just one great friend that would be there for me, I’d be okay, I thought.

And then I realized I had to be that friend for myself.

And that’s when I started changing myself, little by little (and read a book or two that helped me along the way– look out for a post soon on a few of the books most influential to my happiness and self-development!)– and amazingly, I went from self-hating, depressed for as long as I could remember, self-destructive, insecure, and almost always sad to unconditionally self-loving and happy. (Of course, it took a LOT of effort, but I got there, and I’m still learning to love myself even more every day!)

And that very transformation is why this site even exists… to be there with you as you travel along this path of happiness and self-love.

The love of your friends and family is irreplaceable and valuable, but when you find yourself without that support, what will you do? Just give up? Or realize by taking care of yourself and loving yourself, you can be happy (and have the confidence to make new friends!) even if you’re alone?

And if you want to be in a successful and loving relationship… how can you expect your partner to love you at all, if even you find yourself unlovable?

Do you really need any more reasons to love yourself more, starting right now?

1. Let yourself be completely alone.

• Feel what it’s like to be truly alone with yourself.
• Resist the urge to escape and find company, to leave yourself.
• Stay with yourself in the present, and be curious with yourself. Notice how the air feels against your skin. Try to feel the presence of your body. You are alive. Isn’t it amazing?
• Forgive yourself for anything you’ve blamed yourself for in the past, and feel free without the burden of what no longer exists (the past). Tell yourself that you forgive yourself.
• Breathe. Slowly. Listen to your breath. Let it go, and with it, any negative feelings.
• Whisper to yourself, “I am awesome. I am beautiful. I love myself.” Or scream it from the rooftops. That works, too.
• Don’t just be accepting; be open and unconditionally loving towards yourself.
• Love your faults (click here for constructive ways to address them) and honor your strengths.
• Get to know yourself. Journal or draw about yourself, what makes you happy, and what makes you so great, so spectacular. Pay attention to yourself.
• Trust yourself. Who else can you trust better than yourself? You’re the only one who will always be there for you. You’re the only one you’ll always have. If it’s difficult, take time every day to trust yourself a little bit more.
• Keep a positive attitude, look on the bright side, and think positively. When you feel yourself thinking negatively, don’t try to push it away forcefully; just be aware, and let it come and go. Focus on the positive aspect of situations.
• Smile. Smile at your reflection and say hello. Smile at the world.

2. Make a list of what you would do for the person you love most, and then do those things for yourself. Alone.

• Take yourself on a date. Go to the amusement park, go to a museum, and treat yourself as the loveliest, best date you’ve ever had.
• Treat yourself to a lovely meal. Go out alone to eat at a restaurant you’ve always wanted to try. Cook yourself a feast. Eat exactly what you want to eat, no matter how expensive it is (save up for this treat if you want). Be present for the meal. Chew slowly and enjoy every bit of the treat for yourself.
• Go to the movie theater and watch a movie (in a genre that you love) by yourself. Yes, by yourself. (I did this for the premiere of Ghost Town and it was awesome being able to laugh and cry as much as I wanted!)
• Take a long walk with yourself. Go to the park and look at all the creatures that live together in harmony. They don’t reject you or expect anything out of you. Or if you don’t like nature, take a stroll around the city alone, enjoying the sights and sounds.
• Give yourself a beautiful present. Spend time making it special. You deserve it. (This is not an excuse to ignore your problems with retail therapy or by buying stuff. Create something spectacular and unique for yourself. On the other hand, if you never buy yourself anything, allow yourself to actually buy something you want for once.)
• Write yourself a letter on beautiful stationery. Tell yourself why you love yourself, why you’re great. Keep the letter for times good and bad.

3. Take care of yourself– your body and your health.

• Your body is a temple. Treat it like one. Evaluate what you choose to put into your temple. Does the food you eat nourish you, or does it make you feel like utter crap, like you have to have caffeine every 3 hours (or seconds)?
• Don’t make your eating decisions based on what any diet book, magazine, or uninformed individual tells you. Choose foods that YOU love that make YOU feel good and give you the energy to have a great day. If this requires you to stop eating overprocessed junk food and start eating real, whole foods, so be it. Your body won’t just thank you later– your body will start thanking you right now.
• At the same time, eat your cake, too– never deprive yourself. Simply consider making a dessert yourself instead of getting it from a fast food restaurant (or even many grocery stores– they usually have lists of artificial ingredients a mile long!). Make your own snacks.
• Allow yourself to feel the parts of your body that you’ve rejected in the past. Touch them with love and tenderness and gentleness. Tell each of them how much you love them. For instance, if it’s your legs, say, “Thank you for even existing, so that I may walk and run and dance and travel and experience the world.”
• Cancel subscriptions to magazines that make you feel like you are not good enough. Take the existing ones you own and spend a day tearing them apart if you’d like, and then recycling them. Throw out your diet books… into the recycling bin.
• Get enough sleep. Turn off the computer or TV an hour before your bedtime, wind down, take a long bubble bath, and make sure you get enough rest so you’ll feel good throughout the next day.
• Find a way to move your body (aka the dreaded “e” word) that you LOVE! If you don’t like the gym, don’t go to the gym. (If you do like the gym, keep on going!) Go on walks with friends, play tennis or basketball or any other sport with your family, go jogging with your dog!
• Be conscious and aware… if you have any self-destructive behaviors (drinking/eating/smoking/etc. too much), don’t beat yourself up about them, but realize that you are making a choice to do something that might lead you to feel bad (physically or otherwise), and that you deserve much, much better than that.

4. Make YOU a priority.

• Relax. Get a massage, go to the spa, take a bath. Spend at least one day (preferably per week) doing only what YOU want to do– no work, no thinking about what other people want you to do for them. Read a book or watch a movie.
• Or simply, do nothing. Just sit or lie down. Zone out. Give yourself time and space not to have to do anything, even if it’s just five minutes.
• Say some affirmations every day, if you want.
• Respect yourself. Only settle for the absolute best, because that’s the bare minimum you deserve. Accept nothing less.
• Refuse to allow anyone to treat you in any way that you wouldn’t treat your closest friend.
• If you need to, cut people out of your life (or wean them off slowly) if they are anything less than respectful or loving towards you– even if you can’t imagine life without them because you’ve been friends for so long, or even if they’re family (if you can’t imagine doing that in the case of family, then only communicate when absolutely necessary). You are worth SO MUCH MORE than that.
• Learn to say NO. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you– you are strong and powerful, and YOU control YOUR life. Don’t do anything someone else wants you to do just because they say you should. Don’t let others guilt you, either– refuse to put up with their crap.
• Be kind to yourself when you falter. Love the fact that you aren’t perfect. It makes you (and your life) more interesting, after all! Forgive yourself.
• Be kind to others. It’ll make YOU feel good, too!
• Do what YOU love. If you don’t know what makes your heart flutter and your soul smile, take time for yourself to find out. Make it a priority for yourself to have time to do this activity and make yourself happy.
• Write notes to yourself filled with self-love and inspiration, and post them in random places. Post them in places you always see– on your desk, on your front door, on the bathroom mirror, on the fridge– and even in places that’ll surprise you later on when you find them again.
• You are a being filled to the brim with love and beauty, and you were born to love yourself. Act accordingly.

5. Stop waiting to love yourself.

“I’ll start trying to like myself when I… get a new job, eat like a rabbit, look like a plastic mannequin, find the perfect partner to love me so I won’t have to love myself…”

No.

Love yourself NOW.

The only time you have to be alive and THRIVING is RIGHT NOW.

And you’re wasting your time if you’re waiting for any moment in the future, because chances are you might not even get to that moment if you don’t LOVE YOURSELF NOW.

P.S. This post has been a very long time coming; the ideas have been brewing in my mind for literally ages! It’s a culmination of a little bit of everything I’ve wanted to write about loving yourself, and there’s definitely more to come, though I tried packing as much as humanly possible into this post. You will get the best results if you do everything listed here, no matter how weird (or new) it might feel. Or uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is (usually) good. It means you’re getting somewhere.

Let it be known that I have done and/or still do everything on this list, so if you feel a little ridiculous doing some of them, worry naught for a fearless warrior has already paved the way! Keep on loving yourself and being wonderful! ♥

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Look at those tan lines and scars and the weird way my knees bend in (which always bothered me when I was younger because it “looked weird”, but now that I think about it, it’s kind of cool)!

A lot of people search for how to get rid of precious parts of their own beautiful bodies– their cellulite and their stretchmarks– and find my thighs, cellulite, and stretchmarks instead.

90 people have cellulite and/or stretchmarks on their thighs/legs or hips– and want to know how to get rid of it or hide it.

5 people love their cellulite/stretchmarks.
5 people want to know about loving cellulite or their thighs.
1 person loves women with cellulite.
3 people don’t care about cellulite.
3 people love their thighs and the cellulite on them.
2 people want to learn about accepting cellulite.
2 people love cellulite in general.

1 person says “I love my legs but hate my thighs due to cellulite.” (But your thighs are part of your legs, too. Unless you believe love is about picking and choosing.)
Another 3 people flat out hate their cellulite.

2 people “seem to have cellulite in photos”.

1 person is 6 people are looking for images of beautiful thighs.
1 person is 11 people are looking for beautiful pictures of cellulite or stretchmarks.
1 person is looking for photos of real women with cellulite.
1 person is 2 people are looking for pictures of “thighs and stretchmarks”.
1 person is looking for “real pictures of women with real fat thighs”.

1 person thinks cellulite is hot; another 2 people think cellulite is beautiful.

1 person is looking for a dress for a “fat tummy, broad shoulders, and fat thighs”. Another is looking for a dress for “scars on my shoulders and big legs”.
1 person says, “I fought cellulite.” How can you fight a part of yourself without hurting yourself? Another says “I have too much cellulite”.
1 person says, “I have inherited fat legs from my grandma.”
1 person is searching for “My daughter has cellulite on her belly.” (So?)

1 person asks: “How do I lose my love handles?” (Maybe by taking the first step and loving them for how they are, how you are.)
1 person asks: “Do guys mind excessive stretchmarks, cellulite, and a hairy stomach?” (I can say that I know at least a few guys that don’t!)
1 person wonders “if there’s something wrong with my heart if my thighs get big overnight.”

1 person wonders, “Am I beautiful with stretchmarks?” Yes. Yes you are.
Another person wonders, “Can my cellulite be beautiful?” Yes. Yes it can.

It’s pretty effing ironic that Cynosure is also the name of a cosmetic laser company specializing in liposuction, isn’t it? And here I chose the name because the word cynosure means:

1. An object that serves as a focal point of attention and admiration.
2. Something that serves to guide.

(Oh, and I like astrologically-themed titles, and cynosure is another name for the North Star.)

I’m not here to guide you away from hating yourself or being unhappy with your body or rejecting your woman(or man)hood in the form of all-natural (and beautiful, if you let it be) cellulite… if that’s what you want.

But if you do want me to, I’m here to guide you towards loving yourself, choosing happiness, cultivating confidence, personal growth, and realizing you are much, much more than your appearance, body, weight, size, grades, or whatever anyone else thinks of you… oh, and maybe loving others and our planet, too, along the way.

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I can show you the world… of self-love, conscious happiness, positive body image, and more! Don’t miss an update– get them through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook.

You are not your weight.

Your weight does not determine your self-worth. YOU do.

You are not your clothing size. You are not the brands you wear. Not a number on a label nor the name on the label.

You are not what anyone else tells you you are.

You are a being capable of great, amazing things.

You are a being that deserves love.

And not just any kind of love, but the most exquisite, most beautiful love.

The kind of love only you can give yourself.

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