cynosure

This past week, I used the rare rain in a city prone to drought as an excuse to basically do nothing and go nowhere. I spent the days inside, in sweats, in solitude, and in somnolence– and in a warping, quicksand mental sickness towards myself.

Instead of just brushing off the unfortunate weather as a minor setback, I made it my reason for not living my life.

As a result, I sunk back into my most unhealthiest of habits (read: it has something to do with eating), felt unhappy that I’m making unhealthy choices, used feeling sick and disgusted with myself as yet another excuse not to do anything, and haven’t run or really moved my body since the first week of January (during which, incidentally, I saw the most people I had ever witnessed at the gym at once).

Drastic that something so small as drops of water from the sky could render me so helpless and hopeless for the first time in who knows how long, isn’t it?

Excuses leading to unhealthy choices leading to self-pity leading to a hole of self-inflicted misery. I created a paralysis that struck my body, compelled me not to move or change. I dug a deep pit to trap myself in and made it difficult to climb out. Slowly, the rain became, instead of a pathetic reason aka excuse for my despondence, merely an elaborate cover-up for something else– a lack of will.

But I’m done with that. Every progressive day, I’ve found more and more hope and motivation for myself. It’s easier for me to start over in the morning than it is in the middle of the day, but I realize: It doesn’t matter what anything has happened until now. Whatever falls and failures existed belong to the past. I can pick myself up, starting right now.

Every single second, no, millisecond that passes by is a new beginning. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve disappointed yourself before– now is the time to start over. We’re blessed that life actually does have infinite do-overs. Let the past go, and just do it better next time.

I could never manipulate the weather, but how I choose to feel about and live my life is always within my control.

Every moment is born anew.

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 15:36 and is filed under growing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.