a story (my experience with eating disorders and self-recovery)
I’m a big fan of honesty now. especially since meeting and getting to know someone who’s done (what I thought was) the impossible– knowing everything about me, in complete honesty and openness and all, and still liking, even kind of adoring me– it’s become easier to be myself, nothing held back. I felt stifled by my own preconceptions, my own insecurities (a recurrent theme in people living in developed countries these days), my disbelief that people really care or want to know the truth. so I repeat phrases like “I’ll be honest: …” as if it’s something different. but it’s not different anymore– in fact, when was it ever? when did I really, truly lie?
the answer is not often (at least, not consciously). I started over in this journal because I wanted to lose everything. (there’s something about losing everything that etches, simply, life. but that’s for another day.) because I wanted to learn again. how to write, really write. to be honest but also regain that tone. a characteristic tone. “maybe none of us are not original, but that doesn’t mean we’re not meaningful.”
the difference between “honest” and “candid”. that’s what I mean by “I’ll be honest”: let’s be blunt.
here we go…
I’ve eaten mainly mandarins, chocolate, red bean mochi, a little rice with vegetables, and nothing else, and I’ve thought a lot about food today. I took advantage of See’s Candies samples and bought some new groceries from Trader Joe’s, fantasizing about the future almond butter and jam sandwich I’ve dreamed of that will be smeared on slices of cinnamon raisin swirl bread. and though I’m more than satisfied, even more than full (satisfied with yummy food in my tummy is my goal), I do not bear any animosity toward myself for my choices today.
it was never this easy before.
something happened in the start of August the night before I left for Shanghai– I stopped binge eating. since then, I have not gone through a single day during which I gorged myself on unhealthy food I didn’t really, at my core, want to eat, at the end of which, and for days following, I would hate myself for. feel disgusting about. that would sometimes precipitate weeklong self-despising binges.
I used to hate myself. this is a concept nothing new to adolescents; we all experience it at one time or another (or, if we’re lucky to have grown up well-adjusted and really quite happy, then… we don’t).
a couple of people have commented that I have lost weight. I have, and to be blunt, I probably will lose more, once I become healthier (and longer down my road of recovery). I do not want to be skinny to fit anyone else’s ideal– I want to be healthy, and I want to be me in my most natural shape. I’m losing the weight I gained during the darkest times of my life, and gaining back what I lost: the ability to feel. the ability to love. the ability to live.
body image is a tricky thing.
since I was 11 years old and barely 100 pounds a certain two people have commented negatively on my weight, warning me that I was “getting fat(ter)”. and so I did– “feel fat“, that is. also known as feeling like you aren’t good enough; feeling like you aren’t worth it; feeling worthless; feeling like because you don’t fit the so-called beauty ideal of society, you are nothing.
cue drama. the situational dramas I found myself in, over and over again, during high school, a little bit of suicidal intentions and a lot of depression– they all made a rather typical formula for whatever it is: an eating disorder.
after reading several books on eating disorders (mostly those on recovery) I still don’t really know what the phrase really means. but to me, it was laxatives, throwing up, destructive cycles of not eating for three days and then binging out of desperation in hunger for seven, forcing myself to keep food down and realizing I still ate gargantuan amounts to suppress any slightest bit of negative feeling. to me it was numbness. anyone see The Holiday? I couldn’t cry for a long time (like Cameron Diaz’s character). I couldn’t feel anything but starving hungry, sick overstuffed, and the blinding anesthetic of compulsion, obsession. I simply didn’t feel.
making the decision to keep everything I ingest in my body the way it’s supposed to be for food and eating… was a, to put it simply, really difficult decision. but eating disorders aren’t glamorous, they are no romance. they are skipping school to rush home to the bathroom because of the laxatives you just took. no beauty, just a body starved for stability and sustenance.
as a result, the binges– amounts of food several people take several days to eat, let alone one person in just a few hours– stayed in my body. made their destined way through my digestive system, and I grew.
the hardest thing was to not hate myself even more for this growth.
but I don’t mean to make this entry bleak, so I’ll skip out on the not-so-juicy details that I once wrote pages about in senior year in the spirit of the candidness of college application personal statements. so, fast forward.
how did I recover from an eating disorder? how did I go from a miserable, lonely, self-numbed, terribly insecure and self-perceived weak, “fat” girl– to me now, consistently happy and quite carefree, happier than I could have ever imagined a couple of years ago?
how did I recover? how am I recovering?
learning to love myself.
(oh, and eating exactly what I want when I’m hungry, never denying myself any food, and eating only when I’m actually hungry. food is always more delicious that way.)
as in one of my favorite stories by Miguel Ruiz in The Mastery of Love, we all must hold the stars of our own happiness in our own hands, not in anyone (or anything) else’s, and not in the idea that “being thin will make me loved”. it will not. it will not change your life, your personality, or how anyone but superficial people view you. and being loved will not make you happy either.
it’s amazing that we (I’m assuming you do too, if you have an access to a computer and internet) live in developed countries, yet we’re so miserable. many of us in the U.S. (and probably elsewhere too, but I can only speak for my experience right now) are taught by culture– inculcated and indoctrinated, more like– that if we have the “right” look, the “right” clothes, the “right” gas-guzzlers (ahem– cars), and the “right” stuff, we will be happy.
I’m sure most of you already have realized: no, we will not.
we will not be happy being thin. we will not be happy wearing designer clothes. we will not be happy wasting our money on things (often made by poor peasants in factories with toxic fumes, and with various toxins and environmental hazards as well), we will not be happy living the life that society, not our own heart, tells us is “perfect”.
and we won’t be happy binge eating, drinking, snorting or smoking anything to numb ourselves either.
here are (some of) the keys to happiness:
1. LOVE yourself. (this includes BEING yourself.)
2. LOVE others.
3. continue 1 and 2.
4. live your life.
let’s accept that we never will be.
and let’s accept that because of this, we are incredibly beautiful.
who will read this far? who will stick with my often-long-winded writing through? either way, I wrote this for you. (and for me, too.)
I end with the most recent photo I have taken of delicious food:
돌솥 비빔밥 dolsot bibimbap
..mm, always delicious to me!
in actual goings-on news of the present, I am going to San Diego Wild Animal Park in seven hours! after I go to sleep… and wake up.
I am so… blessed.
—
if you like this post, please link, bookmark, tweet, and share it! Thank you ♥
for more goodness, get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook.
tags: emotional eating, food, honesty, love, the past
get updates by RSS!
follow me on Twitter
Facebook
Bloglovin'
November 15th, 2009 at 01:53
Should I be feeling honored that you wrote this food entry for me? xP Sure this was a long entry, but I read from top to bottom… and this entry was an entry most well deserved to be mentioned and will be well recieved by the readers of your living journal.
Food is always good. That’s why I promote eating. And pillows are always the best.
Loving and being loved by you,
Mr. Brite Lite
[Reply]
November 15th, 2009 at 03:09
sui, it seems like forever since we last communicated. let me just say I found this entry to be very moving. to be honest in that sense, to write so openly is a true test of courage. i don’t know you very well but i find that i understand you better in you opening yourself up and sharing. you bring up many valid points and the one that hit home was the “possessions” thing. for myself i’m working on not allowing my possessions to own me. i’m doing my best to simplify my life and use only what i truly need. anyways i hope all is well and continue doing your thing. :j much love, dave
[Reply]
November 15th, 2009 at 03:14
i am not perfect (nor do i want to be)
i am blessed
i am loved
and i owe it to you
<3
[Reply]
November 15th, 2009 at 09:57
Love you…
always <3
And I want the food you are eating.
[Reply]
November 15th, 2009 at 15:22
As someone said, it takes a lot of courage to write something like this. (Speaking of the discussion of personal things, whatever happened to our emails during the summer?
) I’m glad that you are able to come forward and talk about it, and are taking steps to promote your well-being, both mental and physical. This is a critical step that so many have trouble doing and it makes me happy to see that you’re doing better.
[Reply]
November 16th, 2009 at 16:30
I feel like you’re my long lost bff. ♥
[Reply]
November 16th, 2009 at 21:36
=)
[Reply]
November 16th, 2009 at 23:31
what a beautiful post. a lot of ideas you’ve mentioned have mirrored my own and i’m slowly inching towards being happy. it’s so nice (i like of clementine and how she hates that word whenever i use it… but i don’t , i like it… despite it’s blandness) that we (humans, people) have the ability to recover and start anew. (: thank you for posting. ♥
[Reply]
November 16th, 2009 at 23:32
i meant to say “i think* of clem…” not i like. my bad. =X
[Reply]
November 17th, 2009 at 18:54
ohohoho, but mandarin oranges taste sooo gooood!!! >..>
[Reply]
November 17th, 2009 at 20:47
ok… so… hopefully this is mostly what i said earlier. to add to my pathetic comment:
you inspire me, i am always marveled at your ability to overcome such hurdles, and you do it in such a way that it makes me feel like i’m friends with superman (or superwoman, to correct the gender). I dont know if that made sense but what im really trying to say is that i think you are an amazing person and i learn so much from you and that i am so grateful that i have someone like you to look up to. Im also really grateful that you chose to share this with me, like im glad i can be such a close part of your life that you’d let me know about this. hmm, this is kinda longer than what i said before but basically: i adore you. i look up to you. i respect you (A LOT). i admire you. i love you. <3
i kinda forgot the other things i said but i dont think they were important… 1 thing i did want to point out tho is how this story kinda reminds me of Kafka's "A Hunger Artist", except the situation is kinda reversed lol.. but yea, iono if youve read it, i didnt really read it too well myself but it seemed like the same premise? lol iono just trying to be insightful hahahhahha….
[Reply]
November 18th, 2009 at 09:14
You’re such a starship!
Reading this was so much better than taking the timed online quiz I’m supposed to be looking at…
[Reply]
November 20th, 2009 at 10:20
Wow. We think the fact that you posted this eptimomises how much you’ve come. we are proud of you. We hope you will continue to thrive in your future, and I want to go to the wild animal park!
[Reply]
November 21st, 2009 at 13:52
See I don’t really know what to say about this. I’m happy that you’re better but also I didn’t exactly know about this anyway. I’m reading from this a situation that there was a hole in the soul that it was your goal to make whole. Food releases dopamine (meth also releases dopamine) and so I’d guess that its naturally addictive.
I guess what matters is where you are now. I think that I don’t inspire people much, but because I know some brilliant people who take others as a learning example, sometimes my friends may be inspired by me due to their own inclination towards inspiration. This never happens when I try to benefit others, but only when I do my best, to love myself in the spirit of love for others.
I really have faith in you, dear. What matters is where you are now, I feel.
And then at a certain point I would suppose the cause is gone and all that is left is a self-perpetuating obsession?
sorry if I sound like I’m analyzing it but I’m listening to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJr8VOQDaiM&feature=related
the middle part, and its not really the best thing to listen to when reading this entry because its so chaotic and unfortunately fitting…?
But you’ve come out of this it sounds like. The storm can’t harm the sky, right?
I think I said that you’re a starship because I can’t imagine hurdling through space, like this and going from a place like that to a place like this.
OKAY so now I should give you a meaningful reply since you wrote this for us/me. The compliment that doubles as advice is, that I think you can continue at this pace through outer space, and continue to go, go, go… but if one becomes attached to the going, then one is inhibited, and realizing this, another asteroid belt is passed through at an effortless velocity that leaves it a glittering dust behind the thrusters. Like the boy in His Dark Materials who clung to a dead fish because his Daemon was severed from him, so many people are clinging for dear life to the body images and foods and good and services that make them horribly insecure in the “happiness” that they’ve received, as it falls short, just in the manner that the chocolate cake presented to my laboring aunt fell short of the pain medication that the doctors said they wouldn’t give her (true story. Here you go, and they gave her a slice of cake instead, how fucked up is that?).
So, Starship, run the blockade. Do it for us. Show us that someone can. Be like the man who effortlessly tightrope walked between the twin towers, who inspired people below to know that FEARLESSNESS is real.
[Reply]
December 20th, 2009 at 22:33
I’m going to say bluntly that I love you for you who are!
And this post is very touching (almost brought me to tears!)
I’m one of those who read all the way to your bibimbap (which caused me to make some panini. OMNOMNOM.)
Simply Inspirational.
[Reply]
December 30th, 2009 at 13:03
[...] do my work on time and attend as many classes as possible for the first time in my academic career. I open up about the eating disorder from my past life to the world. I close three domains I’ve had for 7 years and spin even bigger dreams for the one left. I [...]
January 25th, 2010 at 15:36
[...] a result, I sunk back into my most unhealthiest of habits (read: it has something to do with eating), felt unhappy that I’m making unhealthy choices, used feeling sick and disgusted with myself [...]
May 11th, 2010 at 12:12
[...] My Experience with Eating Disorders and Self-Recovery [...]
May 15th, 2010 at 14:14
i forgot to comment this one… ;__;
[Reply]
May 30th, 2010 at 06:14
[...] This story is unfinished. It always has been. And I’ve been feeling like maybe it’s almost even a little false at this point, because somewhere along the way, I did start binging again. And I did start feeling.. utterly confused as to why. And problems have come back. [...]
July 1st, 2010 at 01:55
I think I love you.
Wei-Wei\’s last blog: parmesan black pepper biscotti
[Reply]
July 9th, 2010 at 18:54
sui,
your post hit me deeply. i’m recovering from a mild ED, and i’ve slipped these past few days and have almost fallen into the same cycle of self-hate. you’ve saved me from another round of pain.
i don’t know you at all, but i love you and wish you all the best! you are strong and beautiful; never give up!!! your writing is also amazing =)
[Reply]
July 11th, 2010 at 12:25
@hello from the east coast: thank YOU for your beautiful & inspiring comment.
))
you saved yourself. :]
[Reply]