cynosure

The first time I chopped off all (well, most) of my hair, I was 13.

That weekend, I was going to dress up as Tokyo Babylon Sumeragi Subaru, a CLAMP character– and arguably my all-time favorite anime/manga, or at least the one in which I was most emotionally invested– for my first convention. (Incidentally, Subaru means Pleiades in Japanese, ahem…)

It was the first time I got my hair cut by someone other than my mom, with whose skills I had been less than satisfied as of late. I handed the lady at SuperCuts a print-out of a manga scan of Subaru and his twin sister, Hokuto, and she told me she couldn’t use it– it was a “comic book character, for deity’s sake!” She would not give me the faux-sideburns that the character required– instead, she proceeded to hack off everything into something much less cool than a bowl cut.

I looked like a boy. (Wasn’t that the goal, anyway?) No matter. I was mortified. I had Chinese school in an hour. Could I get by with wearing a hat?

And more than just feeling mortified, I was incredibly depressed every time I looked in the mirror. I felt terrible about the loss of my hair. At least before I had my hair cut, I didn’t look too bad.

Worse, being that it was middle school (the new version of high school in terms of being the epitome of peer pressure and meanness– kids start to mature so much earlier these days!), I became the brunt of bullying.

Not just being teased that I looked like a guy (and dressed like one already, too). Instead, I was “worse”– I was “a lesbian”, they jeered, staring at me and my hair with disdain, treating me like something absolutely grotesque.

For the rest of 8th grade I was ridiculed for looking “not straight”. I didn’t understand; why could the girls with makeup and long hair slap each other’s butts, laughing, and hug each other tight… but if I hugged my best friend, people would look at me as if I were not just weird but disgusting? Because I didn’t wear cute clothes or “look” like a girl?

I had serious gender identity crises. Why did I see a cute guy that I might even be attracted to, when I looked in the mirror? Why, if I tried to see myself as female, I thought I was ugly?

After a while, though, I became comfortable with my short-haired self, even reveled in the fact that I didn’t look like everyone else– but eventually decided to grow out my hair, citing a goal to grow enough hair to donate to Locks of Love, and the fact that I had never really grown out my hair past a certain length.

The second time I chopped off all my hair was the year I turned 18. I felt like I had to reclaim a part of myself somehow before I teetered towards the first number of “adulthood”– I was heart and stomach deep within an eating disorder, a different kind of depression I didn’t understand, a sort of quiet numbness that made me feel hollow– I felt like having short hair again was like coming back to myself, to the self that actually knew how to feel once upon a time, knew how to cry bucketloads instead of being a stone. Anything better than the soul-paralyzed anesthetic I constantly felt then.

So I took a pair of scissors (I never trusted SuperCuts again…) and cut my hair. Unevenly and unperfectly, but I did it.

I also dyed my hair black, the last time I ever dyed my hair, and the first time my hair was its “natural” color in 7 years. (I had dyed my hair at least once or twice per year ever since I was 11, convinced that black was just “so boring!”)

And I felt like I transformed somehow. I felt like I returned to my real self a little bit. But I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish. I don’t know if I saw it as a panacea for all my problems at the time. It was still a symbolic action for me, though. Something changed.

And then I grew out my hair again. I wanted to dress up as Tifa Lockhart with my natural hair at least once in my life, and I still wanted to see how long I could grow it out.

Recently, though, I’ve gotten a little sick of having so much hair. I love my hair, surely, but it becomes a burden when I run, it rarely behaves, and it always seems to get in the way. Even after my first haircut this month, after I showered, the generic style I got didn’t want to replicate itself again without the prodigious amount of products the hairdresser had piled on at the salon.

So I decided offhandedly that I wanted to go back to short hair. I really did feel different when I had short hair. Like it was a way of being true to myself, to the way I saw myself inside, within my spirit.

But this time, after I got it cut, I didn’t feel too different as I stared at myself in the mirror, waiting for my sister’s hair to be done as well. I do feel a little more satisfied with my hair (no more bangs in my eyes and excessive amount of hair left everywhere I go!), and that short hair suits me better and expresses my inner self more– but I don’t feel like I’ve changed that much.

I don’t feel like just because I look different physically, my internal feelings will change, too. Not anymore.

That’s my milestone. How I look on the outside doesn’t affect my inside anymore.

And it’s not just hair. But my body– my nose, my lips, my eyes, my legs, my arms, my hips, my stomach, or how well I fit my bras.

As long as I’m healthy, as long as I’m happy… on the inside.

And that realization, cemented in my heart, brings me more happiness than any physical change ever could.

(I can’t wait to shave my head in a couple years, too. Originally it was scheduled for my 30th birthday, but I figure why not sooner than later?)

Thank you India.Arie for the title… I was stumped for a moment

—

If you like this post, please share! You can link, email, bookmark, tweet, and share it. Thank you ♥

For more articles about body image & much, much more, get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook!

A photo I took in Canada two years ago. The sky is always beautiful here!

Project: Summer 2010! (Project What?) Weeks – 1 & 2 | 3 & 4

I’m pretty sure that after this summer, I’m going to have a Project: Fall 2010! and a Project: Winter 2011!, et cetera… After all, you & I never stop growing, and this is a great way to be accountable without having to post every single day about what I’ve been up to

Week 5

• Monday: Sprinted up & down stairs 20+ times. It was absolutely hot outside and I didn’t know what to do… just stay inside doing nothing all day!?
• Tuesday: Walked around downtown just a little. Still hot.
• Wednesday: Walked up and down stairs a few times. Some random stretches and core exercises. This day was actually my turning point when I realized I could still move my body inside (the idea never occurred to me before, inside to me used to just call to mind “treadmill, ugh”.)
• Thursday: Some plyometrics exercises. My whole body was sore for four days… and it was sore just walking… ahaha.
• Friday: A little easy indoor cardio. There was a thunderstorm this day and after the storm I walked to and from the grocery store.
• Saturday: Finally cool enough to jog outside again! Ran/walked 2.3 miles, and did core exercises in the evening. Still sore.
• Sunday: Finally my torso was no longer sore… but my legs still were! So I spent an hour stretching as a recovery day.

Week 6

• Monday: I don’t know why, after a day of rest, I woke up feeling nauseous and sick! So I rested for most of the day, tried to do some yoga but stopped after half an hour (I don’t have a mat and there’s just hardwood floor, so I kept on slipping… plus to be honest I was a little bored! I’ll try again when I actually have a mat).
• Tuesday: I thought I was getting better but I still woke up nauseous. Still, by evening time I finally felt up to running again, so I did! Yay! Did more core exercises, and walked home after dinner.
• Wednesday: Today I ran about 20+ minutes straight for the first time without walking! It was the longest time I’d ever continuously run. Yay! I went really easy and before I knew it it was over! Also did a 10 minute cardio video later on.
• Thursday: Plyometrics exercises again. It was easier this time now that I knew to protect my knees/legs more, and all that soreness gave me some endurance. Then I walked to the bus, then 3.2+ miles around downtown, and later walked home from the bus.
• Friday: Ran/walked, then walked 2.65 miles around the neighborhood. More core exercises. Later on I walked to and from the bus station to a restaurant (about 4.2 miles).
• Saturday: Other than walking a little around downtown, today was another rest day. Must eat more mindfully every day! Part of the reason was that I slept way longer than I thought (guess I was tired!).
• Sunday: I had an insomniac night, the first in ages… and slept past 5am. Yet I was still able to run 2.77 miles, for which I’m very glad!

Epiphanies (or Notes to Self)

• My original July goal was to move every single day. I had issues with this when it got really hot, until I realized the answer (home exercise videos, haha). But also I realized that rest & recovery days are really important. If our bodies don’t get time to heal, and we continue to push hard, that’s not taking care of ourselves and our bodies at all. At first I got antsy but I’m starting to learn to enjoy a rest day.
• Start out slow. Pace yourself.
• Prioritize reading more!
• I’m eating mostly vegan lately. Still undecided if I’ll go completely. I’ll probably do a monthlong trial in September or October. It hasn’t been that hard…
• I feel more at peace & equilibrium with my spirit, mind, and body than I ever have in my life. Finding a way to just move my body almost every day has led me to feel better about myself and my body image, and it leads me to be so relaxed that I don’t need a self-destructive outlet to channel any pent-up frustration or tension. I feel happy with my little accomplishments.
  • When I still overate occasionally in the past few weeks, I bounced back within a day instead of getting into a long, hurtful cycle of self-hatred, and that is something in particular I’m more than happy about.
• Soy milk is a great recovery drink! The right ratio of proteins, carbs, and a little sodium to replenish electrolytes… I like mine unsweetened, organic, & non-GMO
  • I know there’s a lot of public health drama about soy, but soy is like corn. In its natural state it’s awesome, processed it is not, and the US processes it a tad too much (soy protein isolate anyone?). Yes, tofu and soy milk are also processed, but not to the point of being additive ingredients in & of themselves, and uh… at least a few entire nations (China, Japan, Korea…) have ate tofu & soy milk for literally hundreds of years and have never had any problems. One famous Japanese model swears on eating soy in every form– soybeans, soy milk, tofu, etc.– to keep healthy. Anyway, that’s my beef with other people’s beef with soy. You can choose to think it’s a secret evil, or just take it as it is: another alternative to dairy, a health food, whatever.

New Things to Do (and some Interesting Links)

• Become plastic- & petrochemical-free. (Slowly.) As I was picking up blueberries last week I realized that if I wanted blueberries (or any other berry, for that matter) that weren’t in individual plastic containers, I wouldn’t find them anywhere in a chain supermarket with freezing air-conditioning. Then again, I’m getting a CSA share once I move into my new place (so excited!) and well, the preliminary step is awareness. I could always do better. (Kudos to Trader Joe’s for their compostable plastic containers of dates, though!)
• Similarly… Switch to safer/natural/homemade personal care products. I already don’t wear makeup, but damnit, are there toxic chemicals in the stuff I put on to protect my skin from sun damage? I’ll probably be using stuff like shea butter, coconut butter, etc., instead. There are currently no regulations for cosmetics (or what’s labeled “organic”, either!). Watch: The Story of Cosmetics & stop and think about what possible carcinogens you’re putting on your bodies and the bodies of your loved ones.
  • Also, ever stop to realize that petroleum jelly/Vaseline is made from petroleum? Yes, THAT petroleum. (Thanks Mary for the wake-up call!)
• Ponder the Bechdel test and not only why there aren’t movies that can actually pass the test, but why film schools teach screenwriters deliberately not to pass the test.
• In other news, for some reason I stumbled across this post (the 6th ever on this site!) from deep within the crevasses of past posts the other day and was pleasantly surprised. It still rings true, and I needed the reminder. Read: We all survive. We all heal.

Would a separate post with important/interesting links be better than jamming all miscellanea into one post? Probably(?). Let me know what you think

—

Follow me on my constant journey of growth… get updates through RSS & follow me on Twitter or Facebook!

The pre-order period for Pleiades ends in 10 days, on Harry Potter’s birthday– July 31st– and with it, the personalized special gifts & the pre-order price of $15.
(What’s Pleiades? What special gifts? Can I read a never-before-released story from the book?)

Hurry and preorder Pleiades at this special preorder-exclusive price now before the price goes to $19 for all non-preorders.

Click here to get special gifts & pre-order Pleiades today!

If you still need convincing, read an excerpt from one of the short stories in the book:

from 8.

spacedying

We shouldn’t have chosen the tiniest apartment we could ever possibly find, the smallest one in the entire vast city.
We shouldn’t have chosen the one with only three rooms, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen. We shouldn’t have said it would be cozy to be there, alone with ourselves and laughing over citrus juice and pecan-butter-and-jam delights.

We shouldn’t have moved across the sphere with our entire collection of books in tow, classics and Romantic poetry and trashy romance novels all forced to occupy the same space.

I shouldn’t have quit my job sweeping the cold floors of the local secondary school and claimed my lifelong dream was to be a nomad; you shouldn’t have sold your notebooks stuffed full to the brim of illegibly handwritten lyrics to a shady homeward-bound waving his arms madly on the street so that we wouldn’t have to worry anymore about the lights blacking out sporadically when we spent an entire week waking up at two a.m. to read Italian textbooks out loud to each other.

You shouldn’t have lied to your professor and said you were too sick to write a twenty-page tome on the significance of Scandinavian politics in international relations when in reality I was the one vomiting violently huddled in the bright corner of our cramped-but-cozy kitchen and you were the one holding me with the most gentle arms all the while through it not caring that whole sections of undigested clementines and bits of spicy Cajun sausage were finding their way onto your pale alabaster thrifted vintage shirt.

We shouldn’t have whispered to each other at three in the afternoon and nine at night and forgotten that morning ever existed; I shouldn’t have taken your hand and guided you around our modest dining table with the most ludicrously easy salsa steps I knew; the corners of your lips shouldn’t have turned up every time I tried to speak Spanish to you in vain. You shouldn’t have composed long Latin love letters to me and taught me how to roll my r’s properly by carefully massaging my mouth and I shouldn’t have tried to reciprocate with my frail French when the only thing I knew how to do anymore was whisper “je t’adore” quietly into your eager ears.

[cont...]

© 2010 Sui Solitaire. All rights reserved.

—

Get updates through RSS & follow me on Twitter or Facebook!

Happy Monday everyone!

I asked, you answered, and I listened… thus, today’s post will be (the first of many) dedicated to cats!

Hats off to you, good reader!

I’ve always loved cats. I’ve come to love dogs, too, gradually, but in my heart I am a cat person. Sailor Moon was, too, after all.

I’m dreaming of the day I settle down enough to adopt a kitten and a puppy and raise them together to be best friends.

Once I actually do get a cat of my own, I’m sure I’ll be populating the world with (even more) cute cat pictures.

—

In other, non-cat-related news, read my guest post at Positively Present on How to Stop Regretting, Let Go of the Past, and Thrive in the Present! We can all do to live more positively and presently every day.

And I made vegan cherry banana coconut butter bread à la the lovely Angela… and it was freaking amazing! I actually had to make it two days in a row, because the first day I didn’t get to taste any myself… six grown men and women ate it for breakfast!

My goal for this week is to run 5k. Yay! (And I have a special surprise about late September soon coming up that I want to share with you, too! If this parenthetical seems non sequitur, you’ll understand why soon.)

And more news about Pleiades is also coming soon. So look out!

Have a great week everyone! ♥

I’m off to make oil-free vegan blueberry banana bread!

—

For more posts about cats (or maybe not!), get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook!

I’ve read quite a few books on eating– emotional eating, eating disorders, mindful eating. Maybe not a lot, but enough that some have helped me absolutely transform myself and others have left me completely unchanged.

These books are specific to emotional and mindful eating, not sustainable eating or food (that’s for a whole other post!). So if you’ve ever struggled with emotional eating, negative body image, bingeing & overeating, mindless eating, or you simply eat out of distraction sometimes, read on.

(And don’t forget to check out my own article on sane, yummy, mindful eating: How to Eat as Enjoyably, Healthily, and Sanely as Possible.)

1. Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
   by Geneen Roth

   This book arrived on my doorstep one Saturday spring morning in March two years ago. And the week that I read it was the first week in my whole life that I ate when I was hungry, and only because I was hungry, and did not binge.

   Then that magical week ended and I spent a couple years truly learning to eat intuitively.

   That is to say, no book is a panacea. No one action is a panacea. However, this book opened my mind to ideas absolutely radical to me back then: Love yourself. Take care of your body. And… believe it or not, trust your body, and actually eat when you’re physically hungry.

   This was the one book that first opened my eyes.

   Now, I’m going to be frank: your results may vary. I don’t know how some will take to Geneen’s approach– it’s very soft, emotional, and loving, which isn’t for everyone. But for many of the women I’ve met (not to say it won’t help all you men out there, too!), this book has been absolutely life-changing.

2. Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling
   by Anita A. Johnston, Ph.D.

   This lovely book is filled with stories and metaphors that are specific to females (sorry, boys!). It is unexpectedly filled with absolute epiphanies through ingeniously weaved myths.

3. When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair: 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous, and Happy (When You Feel Anything But)
   by Geneen Roth

   Not so much a book as a list of chapters/tips that just make so much sense. I’m trivializing it, but honestly some of the chapters in here really hit me (like learning to be present, acting as if it’s already broken, and of course, never, never dieting!). A fun book that will help you with emotional eating and body image much, much more than you’d think.

4. One Bowl: A Guide to Eating for Body and Spirit
   by Don Gerrard

   Mr. Gerrard’s method to mindful eating is a little bit unconventional compared to the others– he suggests eating everything out of one bowl, “hunting” in your kitchen for what you really want to eat (it’s pretty fun, actually!), etc. His book was first published back in the 1970s, and this is a new edition for a new millenium of mindful eaters!

   Though I haven’t chosen to completely adopt his method, his book is filled with valuable nuggets and advice on how to eat more mindfully that anyone can take away. Definitely a book for anyone who wants to learn how to eat more mindfully and enjoyably!

5. The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health
   by Karen R. Koenig

   This is kind of a book for those with eating disorders. I say kind of because really it’s a book for everyone, but I first encountered it in the realm of eating disorder recovery. But really, this book will help anyone who feels that they have any issues, big or small, with eating emotionally.

6. Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time
   by Pavel Georgievich Somov, Ph.D.

   More tips manifested as chapters in the form of a book. Helpful for anyone who wants to stop overeating and eat more mindfully!

7. Meal by Meal: 365 Daily Meditations for Finding Balance Through Mindful Eating
   by Donald Altman

   Oh, how I wish this were just a day-to-day calendar! This book is filled with a daily quote and reminder/realization to help you eat more mindfully every single day.

8. When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy
   by Geneen Roth

   This book is not for everyone, but you will be able to learn a lot from it especially if your eating habits have manifested as a result of the effects of your relationships– with your family, with lovers, with parents, with friends. Geneen, in the context of her own life, explores the connections between how we eat and how we love.

What DIDN’T work for me: A surprising whole lot of books, that’s all I’ll say. I’ve read every single one of Geneen Roth’s books, and I still think Breaking Free from Emotional Eating and When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair are the best. I’ve read books on overcoming eating disorders and learning how to eat mindfully written by professionals and they’ve done nothing for me, usually because the author him/herself has never actually experienced any eating problems in his/her own life. Still, that doesn’t mean they won’t have merit for someone else; however, I’m not going to mention them here.

In the end, since we are each an individual, these books may or may not as life-impacting to you as they were for me… but if they were, let me know!

(This list may be updated in the future if I ever discover even better books!)

Bonus: If you click on any of these links and order from Amazon, not only will you be getting a great book that will change your life, I’ll get a few cents that’ll help feed me this month, so I can live another day to write– hurrah!

And since I own each of these books, look out because I’ll be giving away one of them sometime in the near future to a lucky reader!

—

If you like this post, please share! You can link, email, bookmark, tweet, and share it. Thank you ♥

For more awesome book recommendations & much, much, more, get updates through RSS and follow me on Twitter & Facebook!